Howdy miscreants, how's it been going with all of you? Me, I’ve been completely out of ideas for an article until I thought,”why not try and do a media review on that video game I’ve been playing in my spare time?” So here I am doing a review on a recently released game called Destiny 2. This won’t be a review where I rate it with a score at the end because I feel like I couldn’t do that fairly to the game. So instead I’m going to describe the game a bit without giving away that many spoilers and discuss what I like and what I don’t. That way you can make your own decisions based on my gripes about this game. Anyway let’s start from the beginning. You are a guardian a.k.a. a person with superpowers from a giant mechanical space ball from space ,The Traveler. (It sounds crazier when you have to explain it, trust me.) Also the world ended quite a while back like hundreds of years ago and now there’s only one city left. So continuing on, aliens break into the city, seal off the space ball’s power from you, and basically kick your butt. So you escape and begin to work to regain your power to be a hero, save the day, and get you some grade A vengeance. To satisfy your alien slaughtering needs you will need to choose a class and make a character. These classes are: the Titan which has the armor but not the speed, Hunter which has the speed but not the armor, and Warlock which is your middle ground. Each class has three subclasses which you can switch between and each has their own elemental power. These elements are arc(lightning), void(dark space magic stuff like black holes and other things), and solar(a.k.a. fire). After you do this it is time to loot and shoot your way to vengeance, but mainly for more loot. This game is one of those loot and shoot games where you shoot to get your loot so you can shoot for more loot and continue to do so forever. The game is very comparable to the first one, like a lot. Basically what they did is they just took the first one and added things to some of the places where it failed. An example is the first game (Destiny) basically had a nonexistent story campaign while this has quite an enjoyable one. One thing I felt like was a waste though was a social space called The Farm. In this game a social space is where you go to receive quests, turn in quests, open certain loot boxes, and put loot in deep storage. Also just for fun all in game items I will refer to as loot in this article/review/whatever you will call this. One other thing that is a slight annoyance is that if you play through the entire campaign you can’t just do it again with that character. To do the campaign again you either have to do a certain challenge thing unlocked once the campaign is over or just make a new character to play again. Another gripe is that two of the three subclasses are the same from the previous game just slightly edited. It isn’t that bad but it makes it feel more like the first game. Anyway let’s just finish this up by saying Destiny 2 feels more like Destiny 1.5 . In other words it is how the first game should’ve been in the first place. I have had fun with it so far and would say I was ok with the price but if you think the game isn’t worth it’s price just wait for the Christmas season because there is a good chance for it to go on discount for a while. All in all, if you like the idea of doing challenging missions and stuff for loot to do even more difficult challenges I would recommend the game, and if you do not like it at it’s current price but are interested, then do what I said earlier and wait for a Christmas sale. Anyway good luck and have fun people of whoever is reading this.
- polygon.com - Image
You know, I feel as though I’ve accomplished a lot on the blog this senior year. I’ve gotten a game reviews tab on the school blog, and with this being my senior year, I feel as though I should end with a bang. So, Kirby abilities. Most of them are extremely cool and unique, and I’m doing 30 of them. Let’s begin. Our quest in Dreamland starts now.
It can be hard going against base instincts. So hard that’s been made into 17 dirty jokes and banished to Mount Ragequit. You can’t help it. Sometimes you just wanna throw something-- throwing a tantrum or throwing a few punches. It solves about as many problems as it causes. It qualifies as hilarious, but when you’re a baby pink puff ball who can fly forever and deep-throat trees, why would you ever wanna throw something? Uhh...Kicks? It’s good for you.
From a conceptual standpoint, Throw is actually kinda lame. From the first moment we all take baby’s first suck, it’s all too easy to become numb to ability-less Kirby, and donning the blue headband doesn’t feel all that different. Simple to understand. Pick the enemy up, and chuck the poor son of a gun up, down, or straight. That’s it. It’s nice that you don’t get poor, defenseless animal fur stuck in your mouth, at the very least. Its extravagance rivals that of a sneeze, blink, or yawn. As in,”Even I can do that.” But it’s fun for the same reason Super Mario 2 is. Don’t undersell it because of the barebones concept. During the standstill, you’re completely invulnerable, and anything that touches you takes a truckload of damage, but I just like the mentality that goes with it. “Yeah. I’ve got superpowers blessed by the deities, the elements of the cosmos, military-grade explodey things, and my mama’s best cooking pot, but I don’t need it.” It’s the equivalent of going full glory Ganondorf. You get the feeling you could do better, but you just don’t care. Go nuts.
Before I was a crazy senior, I was a crazy kid. When you’re in that age bracket, silly desires overflow the mind, and for the sake of being casual, I feel like sharing something. Back when I was a mini me, it was my dream to visit the circus. Yeah, no joke. Big top tent, other-worldly performances, fellow weirdos to relate with, all that. So when I heard Triple Deluxe featured an ability called Circus, I legit squealed. Went into the game mostly blind, and...what, I was disappointed? Hehe. That’s cute.
Circus turned out to be my exact vision. Fun, and well aware that it’s fun. This ability brings me a familiar joy. Usage of ordinarily harmless props or objects, and making George Romero films out of it. There’s something undeniably charming about watching Kirby act like a carny. Give him nummies, and he’ll give you the full show. “Tut tut, beautiful crowd. Gather around to witness the only face too cute to throw pies at. Give him your hugs and cheers. The amazeball himself, Kirby! Try some somersaults, balancing act, watch him juggle, and blow balloons...for some reason.” That’s a cute little circus freak. Surprisingly, this power can solve an awful lot of puzzles for something as simple as being a goof, it’s quality is in your face. I heard some that don’t like it, but hey, maybe they’re just not freak enough. Though, I gotta admit, I feel it’s the weakest of Triple Deluxe’s new abilities. No harm, no hate, it’s competitions just got tastier popcorn. Hey, mad respect though, entertaining a crowd despite looking silly, there’s a true character.
For the most part, the copy abilities are kept very… how do I wanna say it, earthly. Generally sticking to forces of nature, and traditional elements. Very rarely do they ever have one based off of human inventions, and if they do, it’s kept old fashioned. So that just makes Laser all the better to appreciate.
A page taken from futuristic technology, the Laser ability is sweet and to the point. Press a button, it shoots. That’s how love is born my friends. A projectile with good speed, range, and power. Of all my choices for projectiles, it’s my go-to weapon on the offensive. I tire very little of something that gives me a trigger. Fun motto, shoot first, ask questions later. I could be a pew pew little guy and zone out all my targets, not give a dang. Being that it’s also a natural element, light, it’s gotta have its own puzzles, but rather than freeze water or melt ice, something like that, the shots actually ricochet off of slopes, allowing for all trajectory and enhanced reach. That’s awesome. We need more mechanics like that. In the older games, especially in Squeak Squad, Laser had a unique flair. Something about it just seems so unique, despite not actually being unique. Though it’s a hotspot for fashion. That. Fricking. Visor. Not to mention, the color of the beam matches the color of your Kirby. So cool. But, uhm, what happened? That’s the last time we ever saw it. Sadly, that’s not the only shortcoming. Laser, while being extremely cool and offensively practical, is not very versatile. I guess you could call it outdated, and that’s why it’s lower on the list. Bring this one back Hal. Turn this fluffy marshmallow into a Gigan hellspawn. You have the technology. Don’t make me worry.
Regardless of what primary emotion you feel when playing a Kirby game, there’s always one that contrasts. For just an example, I usually feel pumped with adrenaline, thanks to my powers of destruction, but the games themselves seem to tend to gear more towards serenity. The key to this door? Talk to Princess Peach.
Parasol always seemed to be a frou-frou ability. Just a silly, out of place power that narrow minds might feel is girly. Well I feel that’s going a little too far. I really didn’t like this one when I was younger. I want to destroy some enemies, not walk them through the rain. “Note: Bryant Spears is a sissy… and would not refuse escorting a nice lady through the rain. Vote no on misogyny.”
But as the years went by, I warmed up to this ability. I’ll tell you this much, it earns its respect, since it’s one of the few abilities to appear in every main series installment. It’s pretty much a standard. How the heck does it get around so well? It must be travelling like Mary Poppins... oh, well that’s cute, and I suppose you can’t go wrong with slow descension, overhead projection, or, you know… murder, and even when Kyogre floods the land, you still got a weapon. You’re late on the rent, logic. Get your butt outta here.
Superstar was a massive chapter for copy abilities. They added 12. 12 new abilities, man! Several of which still thrive in modern games. Break out the tiny violins, cause not all of them made it. The first one left behind was frustratingly the most original of the bunch. Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...you shouldn’t still be up there.
Okay, this is actually where I tend to get mad. Of all the new additions, why the frick did they ditch Mirror?! Like I said, the abilities dedicate themselves to be traditional in theme, but almost always try and spice up even the most basic stuff, but when something new and creative comes along, ”No. We already did our best.” Think about where this might have gone. Mirrors are a psychological marvel, visually and possibly symbolic self projections of reality. “Quit the poetry, Spears.” Once again, another light based ability that was never fully realized. Using Mirror was a novel pleasure, focusing heavily on reflecting projectiles and messing everybody up with illusionary copies. I smell inspiration. I suppose after Smash 64, the Mirror ability became copyright of WOMBO COMBO!!! Well, that’s a cute joke. I was really sad this hadn’t made recent appearance until Planet Robobot. Why the heck was this not in Amazing Mirror? It’s all about mirrors! I want a dang good reason for such a whiffed opportunity. Perhaps this was a power too good for everyone. You know, maybe they had a point.
Saying Kirby is for kids is like saying M. Night Shyamalan is for scholars. Just a big old no no. What kind of kid plays a game where you whip little animals to death. (*Everyone raises their hands). Oh… well, the heck do I know. As if Kirby wasn’t terrifying enough, some dude from Yale decided to Indie that stuff up and give him a whip. A whip! Forget getting cutter. Forget getting kissy’s from bombs. I want forty thousand lashes… and a Diet Sprite.
That’s honestly the last combo I’d expect. Why not have this,”Cuddly Wuddly” little cutie use the most sadistic weapon ever. Imagine what these poor little things must be feeling, being slashed by sharp leather. Oh lord, you’re making me cringe. Oh, but it’s okay. He’s wearing a cute HAT! I’ll buy it for 10 bucks. So, once you get past the horrible concept, you find an ability geared towards fast, long-range swipes for slow painful kills, and a tool for catching items quicker and through... walls? Okay. It has its uses, but it’s not too puzzle heavy. Mainly just an escape for all those sadists. It's Kirby's prime demographic anyway. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my share of fun with it.
Flame shield up. Oh wait, that joke kinda died. Hmm. In spite of them being as common as comment on my reviews, the selling circle of traditional earthly elements is taken very seriously by devs. I mean they don’t weld to a pedestal and call it, “The mean lord and savior of Munchkinland,” but they always make them solid.
Fire, all around, is my least favorite of the elements, but you’re not gonna see me douse an ability that grasps its destiny so tightly. The apex incarnations of the Fire ability, but still much more than just spicy curry breath. Taking a bite out a spicy, uhm.. Eyeball, thou art beseeched by the pyro overlords. To be one with their element. A symbol of destruction and the mark of a serial murderer. Kirby’s actually a pretty cool firebender. Certainly more deep than,”Blah, I’m a dragon.” Fire breath, fireballs, fire fire, did I mention you're fired? In addition to offense, Kirby can put his pyrokinesis to mobility too. It’s nice to see fire used beyond just throwing it up. The concepts not different, but who could shove that away? It’s living the life, roasting everybody’s toasty. (*chuckles). For how hard it could be to make fire just seem more diverse, kudos. Bronze medal.
I’m gonna be honest. My favorite thing about the Kirby series is how much it bathes in supernal might, as in, otherworldly power, the essence of the cosmos, star warriors, holy weapons, artifacts of nearly unimaginable power, and physical manifestations of the dark. There is no better word for it than magic. So when the time came for us to get an ability called Magic, I knew exactly what I wanted to see. An overpowered gift that would bend reality, distort realms, and dominate mortals...I was close.
Well that got me crying. My dream of one day playing as Magolor certainly isn’t on this year’s motivational calendar. (*sigh) I guess I can’t be too mad. I set the bar up to “Pompous,” so let's take the Magic we have as is. For what we were given, it’s a tasty goody bag. Rather than a supernatural basis, we’ve got a man-made basis, where Kirby slips on the top of hats and performs moderately silly tricks, like the common bumbling magician. Doves, cards, surprise nightmares, makes me wanna throw some change in his hat, he’s so cute. But it’s Kirby. Don’t get too close. This one’s an instant happy face, but there are a lot of things holding it back. Not that many tricks really. Even if it solves a ton of puzzles, we’re gonna see the extent of the show rather quickly. That, and it’s extremely rare. It’s a full ability in a whopping...one game, and can only be obtained ala rare miniboss. You don’t see it often; it’s cute and seems like just a novelty. It’s like a real magic show. Magolor. Butler. Hmm...Butler’s probably healthier.
Squeak Squad had a lot of fun with its new abilities. Sure, most weren’t all that versatile.(*Cough METAL). But they had a lot of ambition thanks to their out-there design, and I appreciate them a lot because of that. The first to appear here could be seen as the precursor to Water. What does this one want to accomplish? Give us a bath. Don’t push your luck, Kirby. I’m not your pet.
At the risk of sounding like even more of a sissy, I’ve always liked bubbles. Simplistic as ball of trapped air, but they look so dang pretty. I’ll pass on questing for the last piece of the thing. This simplicity of the elegant bubble is transcribed accurately into gameplay. It’s as simple as blowing bubbles. You’re a monster Kirby! But it’s obvious these aren’t just the common suds. Instead of killing them, enemies are magically turned into, well, bubbles, which in Squeak Squad, you can store up to five in the copy pallette. You can mix and match different items and abilities together for some strong health items, rare copy abilities, extra lives, or even giant stars. It encourages you to play around. Exactly what I picture with Kirby blowing bubbles, and even if you give no care, it’s decent DPS is enough to keep it around. While Bubble is held back greatly by being exclusive to one game, it left a fun mark. Also, this is my all-time favorite Kirby costume. Look how cute this is. Complete with a bubble crown and bubble wand. Bubble wand. Oh it’s so cool.
YEAH, METAKNIGHT! HECK YEAH! Oh wait. Wrong swordsman. *ahem* Dang, Link. When’d you get so cute? Yeah, that’s an accurate shot.
You’d have to be insane to think the Sword ability was gonna slip my mind. It may not have the most appearances, but it’s probably the most iconic copy ability in the series, for many reasons. It’s easy to access, and it has three elemental variants, including a super ability, and heck, Meta Knight himself is basically an adult version of Sword/Wing Kirby. Argument terminated. Even ignoring Galaxia, the Sword ability is still very strong with well ranged, fast and strong melee swipes covering most angles; you’re like a regular Hylian hero with rosy cheeks. Speaking of Zelda, you can’t hide this kind of inspiration. Heck, the moves are moves Link uses. This power is iconic for a reason, people.
WE ARE IN THE BEAM.
Alright, we knew we couldn’t avoid this one for long. Beam is well chronicled within the Kirby community. A grand champ in prominence, appearing most main series titles as a top-tier projectile ability. Originally it was actually kind of boring, but the jump to Superstar was a ridiculous buff. You can now make rain beams, swirl beams, Jimmy Beams, beam whips, and not a charge shot! I was so happy to see a light-based ability make it into the regular line up, you have no idea. Sure, it looks fancy, but it’s a relief to see it’s practicality. You just shoot beams. It’s a super solid addition that’s not going anywhere. It’s as commonplace as Sword, and it being the big shot brother of Mirror, I guess I can’t mope. We got the awesome hat. Son, I would kill for a sunbeams of that. Bow before the holy jester!
Okay what’s next? (*looks at the list) I don’t need no shots!
Me and sharp things don’t hug, don’t kiss, don’t tolerate each other for the sake of the kids. I don’t watch Lifetime. I’m just using my brain, and it tells me that knife beats flesh. It’s a bad matchup, though oddly, I never had a problem with needles. Sure, they hurt, but so do Nickelback songs. Not my phobia. Though I’m legit terrified of the concept of Needle Kirby, seeing how he’s killed the critters of the forest with just about everything unconventional. Some dude wanted to go for subtlety and just give him a knife, but with the E on the box, I don’t think any concept art’s passing through. So take a hat, coat it in spikes, make him yellow, badda bing.com. Excuse me for not being okay with this. I’m two cents short of downloading that armor I need. Ouch. Well, if I’m gonna gore some cute little animals, allow me to learn Psycho Shift. Blame the shot, but I kinda like this one. Needle takes grape garden-variety hazard, then brands it as a game of Kai sao acupuncture. When’s a defensive no touchy turn into a surprisingly diverse Swiss Army Needle? Like how Beam started, it was kind of boring when it first came out, but things got really crazy with Return to Dreamland, where it allowed for greater strength, reach, speed, and overall practicality. How many frickin needles does a marshmallow need? Jeez.
I got to admit, Dedede’s pretty smart. Sure, he may be a jerk with no regard for food, despite being a chunky chunk guy, but he’s got a Nobel prize coming. Why? You gonna call the wielder of THIS, a moron? No. You’re not. Not if you crave a body with its head still on. It’s not quite the same, but Hammer Kirby is a nice alternative.
I really didn’t expect to remember this one all that fondly. Back when I was a little boy, I didn’t like Hammer all that much. I don’t know. Maybe I just thought the concept was a little too basic compared to something like Bubble Kirby, and maybe felt that it was more of Dedede’s thing. But I came crawling back after its huge buff. Superstar created a monster. This is an extremely powerful weapon and probably the best melee ability objectively. Not only does it hit like a bulldozer, but it also has fire properties, range, can be thrown as a projectile, and can solve nearly every puzzle in the games. Why is this so versatile? It’s a hammer. Does it usually help to solve a problem by clobbering it with a dang hammer? Of course it does. Its stupid levels of satisfying; I can’t help but admit, but there are negatives. Like Magic, it’s as common as a comment on my articles. Only normally obtainable ala Bonkers the mini-boss or a copy essence. That, and well...I have very little incentive to use it in the newer games, because while its power is “Dedede-sgusting”, if I want to clobber that there of something to the best of my ability, it’s much more fun and worth it play as Dedede. I don’t know, guess Kirby’s slowly forgetting this one. Oh well.
Though I love it, Amazing Mirror probably had the weakest lineup of new abilities. No, I don’t count Smash as an ability, since it’s a blatant compilation, Cupid was boring, Mini could’ve been so much more, and Magic needed another game to become a semi-solid power. It’s a downer, no doubt, but all is forgiven with the best final ability in the series, which is sadly banned from this list, and Missile.
Mark this one down as a guilty pleasure. Running with the idea of out-of-the-box concepts; Missile provides such a simple idea, but what it offers is deceptively innovative. This time, they didn’t even try for subtlety. They flat-out turned the little dude into a man-made explosive. That’s great. Come next game, Kirby’s gonna turn into a shotgun. We are seriously boned if some other country gets ahold of this tech. Kirby’s missile form is remote controllable and almost omnidirectional hitbox with great speed, and can rip through blocks like tissue paper. That honestly sounds like something we should have got a long time ago. When I meant innovative, I kinda meant innovative. Whatever ability allows for full aerial steering? Don’t buy into the hype. It’s objectively a very subpar ability for combat. You can’t fly through enemies at all; the blast is embarrassingly weak for a bomb, and it controls like crap. Sadly, it also suffers from the Mirror syndrome. It was basically forgotten and left in one game. Why do they keep doing that? That’s money flying away-- though it is a grand champ in mobility. With careful control, it makes for a great speed running tool. It’s like Wheel in the air. Just look at all the craps I don’t give.
Though he looks the part, I’m always a little setback whenever someone refers to Kirby as a marshmallow, or puff ball, outside of obvious joking. When in actuality, he’s a baby star. Too long, probably not gonna read, but I can only accept something that strong as a cosmic superfreak. So referring back to Magic again, I find it shocking how few of his abilities are tailored to his origin element. Like, really, nothing directly cosmic? Throw me a funny bone, but at the very least, Sakurai watched some classic sci-fi. Greetings, pink one. Take me to your leader. Now we’re not messing around.
Kirby’s evolved into an alien warcraft. Yeah, it’s fine. Not like I was gonna run. In spite of the niche concept, it’s obvious from the get-go that this is a mix of Beam and Laser. I am disappointed that it doesn’t vaporize new puny earthly ground, but on the third hand, it’s Beam and Laser, and in all fairness, it’s an upgrade. With the ability to hover considered, not only can you give the ground the middle finger, despite not having one. Mr. Law of Physics? Relocate his happy butt to the intersection of jack and diddly. Oh sweet, sweet transcendence. You’ve got a practical projectile in form of some pew pews, and fully charged shots hit so hard, bosses are gonna lose their memory. Read the name buddy. Ur. Frickin. Obliterated. Though the aliens haven’t learned everything. As dumb as it sounds, you can’t drop through platforms. You can’t even go down ladders. And like real U.F.O’s, the chance to see it is nanoscopic. So if you find one, be sure to bring it home and share your Reese's Pieces.
Sometimes you just gotta say forget it. Forget viability. Forget standards. I want to do something cool. I don’t care how stupid I look. Well then friends, you beat the game. You played completionist freak/ perv and went for all the chests and booty. Close your eyes to claim your prize. (*you get killed and comeback as a ghost) Oh..beautiful.
Without question, the primo of novelty copy abilities, we’ve got the palace of pranks bestseller: Ghost… I can just smell the enthusiasm. You know I love that face you’re making, let’s see why it’s like that. Ghost is one of the worst while at the same time, one of the best. Conceptually, it’s spook-tacular. Engage in the role of supernatural sentinel, and haunt the land in the pursuit of mass possession. With nothing more than a frickin bedsheet, Kirby can take control of any standard enemy, and play puppet master, and hail dominion over their puny will.(*cackles) That’s amazing! Probably the most creative copy ability in the whole series. Seriously, excellent brainstorm team. It’s also cool that it’s an unlockable, non endgame ability. Another first. There’s only one problem. It’s terrible. Not only are your puppets frail, you can’t even go through doors with them. Kirby himself is slow and can’t even attack enemies without his puppets. Just try and beat a boss with this ability. You’re gonna get your butt handed to you. But it’s such a guilty pleasure for me, I can’t ignore it. Poor little ugly duckling.
Could it be possible that after all the murders, PETA pariahs, and messed up commercials, Kirby is still truly the real hero? Surely he must. What kind of Justice League foolery logic would someone need to have to stop and think, ”Hmm. This peaceful paradise. There’s happy critters a plenty. They need a hero.” Hi-jump is one of those abilities that you know isn’t very practical or popular, but forget you, I’mma jump. The concept seems so silly, it’s borderline dumb. Jumping on your enemies seems to pay for your shiny bills alright, but who the heck jumps THROUGH enemies? Stick your foot out and it would at least make sense, but who would have figured it would be so fun? It actually works, believe it or not. Donning the pink and more pink grants you an invincible, powerful, and surprisingly big rising hitbox, which makes it an unorthodox brute that’s weird, but effective enough. That, and vertical segments become your playthings with how fast you bounce up. You can even steer it sideways. A top-tier pick in “I don’t give a care,” and if you were searching far and wide for an adorable retcon of the almighty Thor, you better have a spare coffin for that wallet. Good stuff, Hi-jump. Are you worthy? Yeah, you’re worthy.
Ninja’s are so commonplace in action-oriented media, it might as well be a cliche. It’s like as a kid, who didn’t try and shoot a kamehameha? You lying to me? Applicable for all age groups, who the frick doesn’t want to be a ninja? Even I’m not that contrary. Though he has zero formal training or experience, Kirby’s quite the savage rookie. Ninja is a fan-favorite for a dang good reason. It comes with the Imperial megaton of tools the ninja requires to meet every situation. It’s one of the few powers that answer to melee, projectile, and elemental classifications. Kunai and shurikens for long-range zoning, grabs, kicks, and a dagger for up close and personal, with pyrokinetic bursts and smokescreens for some added flair. Oh, you think I’m done? That’s just one button. In classic ninja fashion, Kirby’s mobility chugs down some roids, now having access to beyond the walls friendzone with indefinite hugging and repeated comes and goes. Now they’re just showing off. Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO! So yeah, that’s all the rage, but one superfluous thing I really like about ninja is how the most recent incarnations pay explicit homage to Japanese culture, like the cherry blossoms. Oh so pretty. (*walks on water). Oh, I’m Jesus too? Nice.
Picking a side can lead to a lot of different things, usually fighting. But isn’t it the stupidest thing when both sides are exactly the same? I kid you not, the Kirby series has got the gaming equivalent to Coke versus Pepsi. Yes, it has gotten that dumb. Spark. Plasma. Spark! Plasma! Frizzy-haired freak! Fire recolor! Green! Lime green! Shut the heck up! It’s the same freaking thing!
Alright. I seriously cringe at the idea of the same thing being split into two names, but that’s not phasing my review. I’m a proud member of electricity master race. It’s by far my favorite of Earth’s native elements. Spark and Plasma were once two separate powers, but the modern games combined the two and retconned them as Spark. Okay, that’s what I’m calling it then. It’s unclear whether or not the Kirby lore is home to an all-powerful, ever-present God, but this is probably the closest it’s gotten to that. Spark, also counting for its Superstar alter ego, is the most prominent ability in the franchise. It’s present in every game that features copy abilities. That’s 16 games, beating out both the Fire’s 15 and Ice’s 14. Not even Sword is in that many games. So not only is it the Samuel L. Jackson of copy abilities, but also the Morgan Freeman, as in the best you can get. Through static build up, Kirby has access to four different levels of charge. In seconds, you can launch massive surges of electricity. A level 4 spark shot is extremely big, ungodly strong, passes through walls, and is, pun-nily enough, lightning fast. The common consensus refers to it as broken. Believe them! The learning curve is non-existent. It rewards the player with simple spam, and it’s a free pass through the True Arena. A sentient self propulsion crutch which requires only an ounce of muscle input. There is a stigma, but I don’t think anybody can deny that’s pretty cool. But, that’s as high as you’re going Sparky. There is such a thing as too good, my friends.
For the amount of times I’ve shouted,”About time!”, at a game, never has it been louder than the day I first played Return to Dreamland. It took them 18 years to figure out what the blue stuff on our planet actually is. (*at Hal Laboratories) “That’s not Metal? Frick!” The balance of the elements are in harmony. We finally have Water.
Squeak Squad has my respect for sticking its toe in first, but Return to Dreamland went full-on free dive, and brought the element up to Superstar quality. The Water ability is overflowing with many enjoyable skills and powers that are tailored to an insanely diverse playstyle. Positively soaked in hard hit, long-range attacks on dry land, fast and funky mobility off the ground and over water, and is a dream come true to anybody that hates the limited range underwater. Hey, more bubbles! Who would have thought that Kirby would turn out to be such a powerful, but cute, little waterbender? It’s bittersweet to finally have this one. Judging from it’s spot on here, it’s clear that I taste more sweet than bitter, but there are hints of bitter. For one, I feel it’s a little too destructive. Not like Opaf, but I don’t associate hydrokinesis with brutal offense. Most examples I know are defensive, or at the very least, highly versatile. I was excited to see the awesome puzzles they could’ve made with Water, but you don’t get a lot of that sadly. Also, I’ll be honest; I don’t like the visual design. I would have much preferred the translucent aquatic design from the anime, than Etika's hair. But come on, Bryant, don’t be nitpicker. It’s me looking at what I want rather than what I got, and what I did get was one of the best abilities in modern Kirby. Why the heck Triple Deluxe and Planet Robobot left this titan out is an X-files fever dream. I just hope they are pulling a Mirror on us.
One of the silliest picks on this list by far, how would you guys react if I were to tell you,” I like Ball”? (*everyone in class laughs) “Oh dang it, he’s serious.” Yep. I’m for real. In a world where navy-colored ping pong balls can master swordplay, without a finger to their name, and penguins hit up the craze of Chris Kringle cosplay, I think we can have Ball on at least one of our favorite abilities list.
Ball is one of the oldest copy abilities in the series, debuting the same time the mechanic did, and is the original, ”You left me behind! You jerks” ability. Everybody else forgot about it, so why didn’t I? I don’t know. I just find it cute. The concept is more bare-bones than Throw, if you could believe it. Having Kirby stripped of his limbs, and take part in the ancient sport of, ”Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.” Uhh… I’d be more comfy screaming Bloody Mary right in Mirror’s face. Looks pretty silly, but sweet lord! You ever play dodgeball...with a bludger? That’s basically the thing we’re pulling here, you know? I should be fearing for their lives, but I’m laughing. I’m laughing my butt off. Am I sadist? This is basically a half-baked bootleg of Flubber, lathered in Pyrovision, and I’m a psychotic baby-step away from preordering. Did you guess maybe? This game of dead man’s volley does to bosses, what Deadpool does to the 4th wall. Disgusting. As easy as it is to make a reference to Skip to 1:15, it’s even easier to see the flaws. Ball as an ability is rare, and it lands about as well as Bowser with buttery feet.
Yo Yo Kirby
Raise your hand if you’re expecting a rapping joke. (*everyone does). Yeah, whether white or green, that’s a no no, guys. There’s a lot of dangerous toys out there huh? God help the universe if Kirby gets ahold of Clackers, but until then, we can sleep safely knowing the little guy kept it stylish. Yo-Yo is a solid ability with one of the coolest concepts to ever slide off Hal’s think tank. You ever hear the story that yo-yo’s originally made to be weapons? I doubt it’s credible, but this sure isn’t boosting sales. Similar to Ball, this power is straight-up fun. Swish that cap all the way back, and bust out your plastic disc of doom, any time you wanna strut that 90’s pride. Didn’t any of that swag stuff back in the day, just fanny packs and Lion King. There are a good amount of tricks Yo-Yo Kirby can do. Break spin! Hammer drop! And the almighty, Geyser Spiral! All complete with good damage, good range, and transcendent hitboxes, baby! Don’t plan on stopping me; physical limits are for mortals! What kind of yo-yo is that? Ness’s yo-yo, of course. The hat, the yo-yo, that witchcraft! It’s a direct reference alright. I’m sure the fans appreciated it, and I give it a score of PK Frick yeah! It was both too good to be true, and too good to last. As it’s yet another one-shot wonder, but hey, it’s still awesome in the one game it’s in, and that’s okay by me.
Do we have enough TF2 references in this? Yes? Well, let’s add more. We’ll call it foreshadowing. It’s been awhile since we touched Triple Deluxe, huh. Well, 20 spots later, we probably have the most overpowered ability, post Return to Dreamland. Archer!
Jeez, it’s hard to begin! You know how everyone complains about the Huntsman in TF2? Give that OP monster to Kirby and let dying pants-crapping commence. The Medieval weapon of the week allows our favorite homicidal gumdrop to bring about a thousand arrows straight through any number of outdated Skyrim memes. Think of this as the EDGY reboot of Cupid. Trading the diaper for Robin Hood memorabilia, take Cupid’s “cutesy” little bow, and pump it full of steroids! Seriously, the arrows from this thing are disgusting! With insane reach and tremendous power, you can wipe out entire bosses, without taking a step. It’s bad enough war flashbacks of Spark are coming back, but even crouching can’t go without complete intangibility. Yeah, that’s probably okay. Give the Huntsman Sniper unlimited ammo and an uber while you’re at it. You can even still attack while you're camouflaged, effectively making the Stone ability obsolete! Even though it’s probably even more busted than Spark, it’s a hilarious kind of busted. I’ve legit made sandwiches in the middle of boss fights, simply by holding the crouch button. Thematically, it’s probably the most violent ability in the series. There’s no frolicking around it anymore. Kirby is legit hunting these little animals, in the closest thing it ever gets to being a sport. Heck, they even had to change the name for the international release. No joke here, that there ----> スナイパー (Sunaipā),
Translates to Sniper. As in, “Assassin”, “Killer.” Oh, it’s all so perfect.
I’m not here to pick fights...I’m here to win them. There are some things you can never mess up, and referencing Street Fighter is such a thing. Was awesome when Mega Man X did it, was awesome when he did it again, and it’s certainly awesome when the super buff pink puff does it. If you thought Sword jackhammered the references down a little too hard, Fighter’s showcase could shatter a Shuckle! They forked over the royalties; they drew up the punch effects; they weren’t gonna chop that off half way. No no. We got the whole thing! The last of Superstar’s line up, it’s way too difficult to say Fighter isn’t the best, so I’m not gonna. HAL transcribed Ryu’s abilities over to Kirby’s so well, the flavor text may as well say, “I ate Ryu, pal. Find a new main.” There must be some pretty wicked steroids oozing out of that copyrighted headband. We got Hadoukens, Shoryukens, and even Tatsumaki Senpukyaku. Jeez, that little dude even ate Guile, and to show that lovin, go ahead and implement the light and heavy input system, right from the source material. Oh, daddy Sakurai, you never change. Fighter Kirby not only fights like Ryu, but somehow feels cleaner. It’s the most complex copy ability, by far, yet it feels so comfortable. It’s also one of the most powerful abilities around when mastered. There’s not that many downsides beyond zero use in puzzles, and its high learning curve, but for how beastly it is for combat, I’m “Shoryuken” look past that.
I love animals. A lot. I’m a worshipper of Pokemon and Sonic. Play the game of stereotypes if you want; I’m cute and fluffy, who gives a care? Yes, of course I had to backtrack to Squeak Squad for its flagship ability. Once you visit the pet store, you’re not leaving without a new friend.
Skip to 0:09 Awww. What a little cutie! Oh lord, please turn it off. I’m not sure exactly what mammal this ability is based on, but I’m gonna guess a mix of hamster, a cat, and a mole. Its the hamster genes that make it so CUTE! You can scratch the ever-loving heck out of enemies and bosses with your inner kitty cat, but its abilities center primarily around the mole genes. It’s one big gimmick, and I can certainly dig it. Using those unusually strong claws to straight through the dirt like Diglett on a truckload of caffeine, making one of the few abilities that actually influences level design, on a large scale. That’s not something you see so often, and it helps to add that extra charm. (*Kirby scratches ear with his foot.) Oh, that itch was killing me. Although he probably can purr, it doesn’t come without defect. It’s a lot more scarce than you think, and while I do like its gimmick, it’s still a gimmick. It’s not very combat oriented, as it was obviously made with the puzzle element in mind. It’s nothing to gasp at, but nothing to laugh at either. Well, I take that back. It’s dash and lunge animations just crack me up! Skip to 3:22
Kirby’s ensemble cast of characters has been fan-revere, to some ridiculous degrees. Everyone wants to hug cute little Kirby; everybody respects the valiant almighty Meta Knight, and every mean Lord imaginable has got to have their own Dede-dank response pic. Yeah. But where’s the love for the original furby? The question remains. What was the point of adding Waddle Dee to the main group? (*scream) That's the point.
I knew right from the start that this was gonna be one the craziest things. Princess Peach’s got to take notes King Dedede. If that woman just gave the little mushroom tips, Bandana Dee officially autographed spears, Bowser would be the coolest roll of Swiss Cheese. Spear has got to be the most savage copy ability in execution. Take a twig, a shark’s tooth, rip off the propeller of a helicopter, and while you’re at it, go ahead and George Lucas E Honda, fax all that stuff to Mumbo, and within three to four business days, you’ll have a brand new stick of kickbuttery. “Ooh, sun, sun, sun. I’m having so much fun.” Get that crap, outta my house! Mmmm, punk! That, that is impalement. These little guys are getting stabbed. I’ll commend a squeaky-clean plate, Mr. Rated E, but, uhh, you’re just lying to us. Sharp steel through soft flesh equals blood. I should know. I passed geometry. I can tank a fib, when I’m given the goods, and Spear is good. Great for combat, has ridiculous range, and a makeshift Spike Cannon, plus STAB. It allows for attacks and techniques you wouldn’t dream as possible under the context. You thought a stick could be stopped by a wall? No. (*sees Kirby flying by spinning the spear at high speeds.) What, what, what, what, what, what?! I believed I could fly, had it on repeat all day, now look at me! Hoohoohoo! Walking stick, writing stick, flying stick. Heck, I love Kirby games.
(*clock chimes) WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
You’ve all been brilliant, but it’s time you returned those Nobel Prizes. That punchline cost me 35 bucks. Get ready for the most violent round of Wii Music of all time. I didn’t think it was at all possible, but Triple Deluxe managed to top Spears best melee ability award, because, yeah, Bell is quite something. Music has always been great for this series, but I always wondered why we never had a full ability based on it. If you have a chance to believe in this, Bell is even more powerful than Mike’s earache. Piano is maybe the classic mess you up instrument, but getting bludgeoned by a bronze bulb wouldn’t make for happy funtimes. Kirby not only beats into skulls with insanely long solos, he can generate sound waves in the form of range projectiles, with the rare bonus of use underwater, and this absolutely busted dash attack. Being saved by the bell turns into a wishful urban legend. You’d be more likely to be saved by the Jersey Devil. It’s powerful; it’s cute; it’s common, but best of all, it takes full advantage of the idea. Whilst he ringa-ding-dings the heck out of you, a soothing rhythm still plays. Unlike Mike, Bell sounds very pleasant in a rampage, and I’m convinced that Kirby’s having fun. It’s the most psychotic concert imaginable, and I’m still throwing money. For Whom the Bell tolls isn’t an epitaph? Hm. First time for everything.
There is an old saying in human history. Long ago, it said unto the world, “Don’t mess with nature. - Author Unknown” Why is he unknown? Because he...stepped on a flower.Skip to 0:11
I smell deja vu! I don’t know why the Kirby series ignored the blue and green of the elemental spectrum for so long. Perhaps Sakurai was lord of the Fire nation, or he picked Charmander...holy crap, it makes sense now. Generally speaking, I play for both Team Water and Team Grass, and that taste seems to translate over to Kirby unharmed. I was surprised just how much I came to love the Leaf ability. We see grass like Sonic sees trouble: Way to freakin much. Though, its place in the Kirby series is unusually refreshing. Even with Water, they at least had an experimental starting point to build off of, but there’s never been any kind of precursor to Leaf, so that makes it even more of a treat. Danny Devito was busy doing, I’m sure they’re not total crap movies, so Kirby was recasted to play the Lorax. Say goodbye to your happy ending. Those cowardly trees are hush-hush about some satanic murder mojo, when this is their spokesperson. Don’t walk on the grass. For once, Nature Power is a permanent Grass-type move. We’ve got Razor Leaf, Leaf Tornado, Leaf Storm, Shadow Force, and Leaf Blade. Wait, the frick? Ah, so that’s where Archer stole it from. Hunting in the woods for too long. These two feel very similar when I think about it. Still, I think Leaf did the deed better. When you combine limitless intangibility with powerful uppercuts and swift projectile pressure, you get a tried-and-true superpower that combines style, elegance, with plantations worth of strength! It’s ironic how the disposition of the elements shift between our world and Popstar. Fire is all over the place, and leaves are rare. Fire is decently balanced, and plants are a menace. PSA via subversion? Neato, though you kinda made things worse. I’ve seen Biollante and Jumanji. I’m more scared of this.
One aspect of the Kirby games that doesn’t receive a lot of consideration is the minibosses. For how fun and memorable the designs of these fellows are, both the players and devs alike tend to never take anything from them beyond, ”Hey, good to see you again...whoever you are.”
While Bonkers and Mr. Frosty are staple veterans, they’ll never be able to say, “I inspired an entire copy ability.” Bugzzy has the right to be smugzzy, for his apex exoskeleton paved the way for one of the most vicious abilities in Kirby history. Beetle.
Talkabout a breakout edition. Hypernova was obviously intended as the flagship ability of Triple Deluxe. It’s on the box after all, but I’m sorry. Compared to what is basically the Heracross of Kirby, my head wiring would have to be pretty freakin buggy to agree. As much as I adore fluffy little animals, no order within the animal kingdom appeals to me more than insects, and turning Sakurai’s little Mushi Mushi little demon into one was brilliant! Beetle is a powerhouse newcomer, offering swarms of varied utility, and is probably the most combat efficient ability in the series, next to Fighter. It’s some pretty sweet stuff. HAL’s virtual projection of the Herculean rhinoceros beetle! A warrior among bugs, and not the kind of thing you like to see flying towards you. Channeling his inner arthropod, Kirby is granted a spiritual mix of five different abilities. Sword’s vicious melee combat, Stone’s stall then fall invincible hitboxes, Jet’s aerial hovering, Spear’s indispensable range and damage output, with Suplexes multi-directional command grabs. It allows for a surprising amount of puzzle solving, powerful close quarters brawling, and massive practicality value. Ordinarily, I commend copy abilities for taking an underdog route, but Beetle is an example were giving us a little bit of everything that works is just as effective. It’s a bit of a Kirby sampler in a way, without explicitly copy pasting moves like Smash did, and it’s so much fun I’ve done full playthroughs of Beetle only. The friggin thing is that awesome. My only real problem with Beetle is that losing it is agonizing, and there could be a legit point of criticism that it doesn’t take full advantage of the concept. I mean, if Kirby was as strong as the real beetle, he would be able to benchpress the entire level.
That moment, when you want to give the perfect introduction, but it’s just never original. I could break into song, I could summon a pun-derstorm, but let’s just use our words. 29 ounces of cake. On top...goes the icing.
Surprises come when least expected. This however, is like the big twist from Empire Strikes Back, flanking me with a crit boosted force of nature, from a dimensional wormhole, out of my freshly made Hot Pocket. I couldn’t even predict this kind of crap if I tried. Yes, Madame Clairvoya, you… you told me Beetle was gonna be Number 1. Lying fraud. Ahem, Ice is an amazing element, ordinarily ranked right behind electricity as second favorite, if I’m being honest. My affinity for this franchises cryokinesis is noticeably complex, despite being a member of an energy triangle. I can’t help but feel Ice is the centerpiece of attention. Sure, it’s had the obligatory identity crisis and retcon, like Fire and Spark, but Ice not only feels the most balanced and consistent of the three, it has all the charm, in all the right places. Just the tiniest details they specifically add to this cool customer is just the cutest. Ice skating, the freezing of terrain, even a signature death insignia. It’s those little things I heart so much. It’s beautiful through movement, effect, and even the costume just breathes elegance. It’s a compliment. It’s also an extremely thorough power. I get way more satisfaction when I play with Ice than when I play with both Fire and Spark, possibly combined. Even after defeat, enemies are still assets for combat, as you can abuse the mechanic to blow through waves of the harmless creatures. In even its simpler incarnations, Ice is so much fun, despite how little you’re given, but when it comes time to break out the final form, things get cold enough to conjure up a Frozen chill-ogy. Please tell me I didn’t just predict the future. I’m running out of words here guys. It’s fun; it’s powerful; it’s charming; it’s prominent; it’s highly developed; it has a Super ability. There’s nothing better than a cold one, after all that review. This has been Bryant Spears, and Westside, keep the blog alive and breathing, and the game review tab living. Farewell.
While I was going to do game review today, I couldn’t decide on which one I wanted to review, Persona 5 or Let It Die. Both are extremely fascinating and fun to play, but that comes at the price of not being kid-friendly. In Let It Die’s case, it’s gory, disturbing, and has foul language and adult situations… and it’s amazing. Yeah, when a video game trailer on Youtube gets a content warning due to characters in game running around in nothing but their underwear, you just know it’s going to be a great game. Persona 5, on the other hand, has similar themes, with a bit of anime and Pokemon thrown in. So it boils back down on what to do. I have two semi-R rated games to review and I’m torn between the two. Hmm… oh why not do both? Let’s start with Persona 5 first. While it may not be as great as Persona 4, it bridges the gaps that the previous games in the franchise didn’t cross, and that’s something I respect. While the plot might be seen to some as confusing, I don’t have that problem. It has an interesting story, great characters, an amazing concept, and good gameplay. As for Let It Die, the story is a bit simpler. It takes place during a post-apocalyptic setting, where you must fight to get to the top of the Tower of Barbs… for some reason I won’t explain. This game is chock-full of internet references, including “Sempai” and other terms. I’m not gonna spoil the ending for you either because I want people to try these games out themselves. So, are these great games? Do I really need to say it? Absolutely. This is Bryant Spears, and a dark game can be good as a friendly ones. See you next week.
You know, when something takes away my breath, it only happens once in a great while, and when it does, I drop everything I’m doing and get it done as soon as possible, but I never expected it to be this...wild. We are looking at Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I’m sure most people have played, or at least know about it in some way, shape, or form. Well I for one love the series with a great passion. When I first heard about the game, I’ll be honest, I thought it was going to fall flat on its face. I gave it a play… and it was amazing. Where do I begin? The plot is unique, the game mechanics are advanced, the graphics are top notch and great to look at, and all of the characters have amazing personalities, oh man. Let’s start with the intricate plot. You play as Link in a timeline where he has been asleep for 100 years, and during that time, Ganon has conquered the kingdom of Hyrule. He has also taken control of the Divine Beasts and killed the champions who controlled them, so it’s your job to free the champion’s spirits and the Divine Beasts from Ganon’s control and take down Ganon. Sounds extremely simple, right? Well, this time around, your regular sword and shield tactics just won’t cut it,(*No pun intended) and you’ll have visited these shrines throughout the kingdom to gain new powers and abilities. Not only that, but you’re not limited to just a sword and shield anymore. You can use anything ranging from spears and clubs, to axes and sledgehammers, but keep in mind that the weapons you use do have a set durability, so don’t get mad when a weapon you’re using just suddenly shatters into tiny pieces. Another interesting change this game introduces is that you can visit the bosses in any order, and more notably, skip the story and go straight to the final boss, and considering that you had faught the bosses in a set order in the previous games in the series, it’s a nice touch . Not only that but this game also has some cool characters to boot. I’m going to talk about the spirits and characters I personally like. First I’ll be covering the Zora, or the fish people. My personal favorites are Prince Sidon and Mipha. Prince Sidon is probably my favorite, seeing as you have to fight Divine Beast Vah Ruta while riding on his back, shooting at homing icebergs that Vah Ruta is shooting at you with a bow, not to mention he sticks up for you when another Zora named Muzu blames you for the death of Mipha. Plus he is the brother of Mipha, who had feelings for Link. Speaking of Mipha, she is bit of an introvert, rarely speaking, and when she does, it’s usually very softly. She gives you a healing ability called Mipha’s Grace when you beat the boss of Vah Ruta: Waterblight Ganon. I’ll cover the bosses a bit later after the characters; I’m just mentioning them for now. Next up on the list is the Gorons-- a race of rock people who literally eat rocks and ore. The main and only Gorons I actually like are the champion, Daruk and his descendent, Yunobo. Daruk is a bit… trigger happy, by which I mean he is generally calm, but as soon as he gets into battle, he gets pretty excited. He gives you the ability Daruk’s Protection for defeating Fireblight Ganon, the scourge of Divine Beast Vah Rudania. While his son is a bit...derpy to say the least, but still loveable. Next up is the Gerudo, the wandering mercenaries and gypsies...who are all women… for some reason. Aside from the champion Urbosa, none of the others really stick out to me. Urbosa is a really cool Gerudo character, being strong enough to punch a boulder into dust with just one blow, yet soft enough to have a soft spot for Zelda and recognize Link as worthy knight, it makes perfect sense that she commanded Vah Naboris, although she did fall to Thunderblight Ganon. Finally, the Rito, or the bird people. Revali and Teba take the slots, for different reasons. Revali for being the champion of Divine Beast Vah Medoh, and Teba for trying to protect his family and village from the haywire Vah Medoh, courtesy of Windblight Ganon. Teba, I can respect, for what he was trying to do was admirable. Revali would have been a great character too… if he wasn’t such a condescending pain in the tail feathers. Everytime I hear this annoying fluff face’s voice, I just feel like I want to backhand him. Is that normal? Now that I have covered characters, I shall now cover the bosses. Waterblight Ganon is the boss you should start with first, mostly because both phases are relatively easy. Whether it throws its spear at you, shoots ice projectiles at you, or raises the water in the room, this boss is just easy. Now for Fireblight Ganon, who is very challenging boss. Armed with pyrokinesis, and a “sword,” this guy can be tough during his first phase, and challenging during his second. Thunderblight Ganon is a real “SHOCKER” of a boss. (*Badum-tsh)(*BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) This boss is very fast, and hits like a truck. Armed with a scimitar and shield, as well as, obviously, electrokinesis...look it up; you have internet. Finally, there is Windblight Ganon, and this is probably the hardest boss, not counting the final boss and semi-final boss. Armed with the power of flight, an archaic laser cannon,(*I’m not kidding), and reflector funnel satellites during his second phase, Windblight Ganon is no push over. And here are some links to Youtube because I couldn’t put any images due to the school blocking the wiki I needed to access. This isn’t okay. So, is this a good Zelda game? Yes… yes it is. This is Bryant Spears, and remember, it’s dangerous to go alone, take this.
Who here likes Hawaii? Well, on that side note, Pokemon Sun and Moon’s region is based on Hawaii. So I thought I’d cover my top ten Pokemon from the games, and the rules are as follows: No Alolan variants, and while there is no rule against legendaries, Marshadow is unobtainable at this time, and thus out of the question, but I’m gonna need a little bit of help. (*picks up phone and calls up David McAndrew.)(*picks up phone) Aloha? Yo, how's the weather over there in paradise? What the heck, Bryant?! I literally just get to Hawaii, sit down in a beach chair, and pick up my drink and you fricking call?! I swear this better be good. Well aloha to you too, jerk. Anyway, I’m doing a list of Top ten Pokemon from Sun & Moon, and I was wondering if you’d like to help. Can I suggest something? Sure… Let’s both do it, but mine may be different than yours, so we each give a reason as to why, and give an explanation as to what factors into the choice. That’s a valid point. Ready? Oh yeah.
One of Pokemon Sun & Moon’s strongest facets is it’s cosmic, almost...sci-fi vibe. Not only are the mascot’s representations of celestial bodies, the region of Alola plays host to a large scale alien invasion. Seven interdimensional monstrosities we now know as Ultra Beasts, are now wreaking havoc on the world of Pokemon. TLDR. Really weird, really strong legendaries. They’re fun, they’re wacky, and one of them had to claim a spot. My brain said Celesteela, but my heart said Xurkitree. Hey, you and your mass of extension cords may have a need for power, me and my choice have one thing in common: we both have a big appetite. Guzzlord, it’s dinnertime!
I can attest to the disgusting brilliance of Guzzlord the unmerciful, and even what is essentially the game's main antagonist in the twisted Nihilego, but none of the dual typed Ultra Beasties ignite the same spark as this luminous lunatic. Guzzlord may seem like a walking mouth, but anyone who underestimates him is just BEGGING to be swallowed by this gluttonous giant. I would call Xurkitree, the definitive Ultra Beast for several reasons. He’s one giant neon sign of what the dweller’s of Ultra Space bank on: peculiarity, and overwhelming power. He’s probably the weirdest Pokemon ever designed. Look at this thing! It looks like some Joe Schmoe opened up Pandora’s box in an appliance store...I think I know where Circuit City went. I like to think of Guzzlord as a food black hole, for if something goes down his throat, it’s never coming back out...ever. Besides, if there is something that makes Kirby’s eating habits look like he’s on a diet, that makes it cool in my book. While it is open to the sentient object quip, I’m more concerned about your lack of taste my friend, as this freakazoid is WAY too stylized to submit to petty prodding, because I don’t think a nearly 13ft tall mass of crackling extension plugs doesn’t sound so funny, and if the creepy design does nothing for you, don’t think about snoring, for Xurkitree packs more firepower than a firing squad. A base Special Attack stat of 173 GUARANTEES the position of wall breaker. (*looks at move pool) Is that Tail Glow? OVERKILL thy name is UB-03! So, punk? How many volts do you fancy?
Well, maybe we wouldn’t sound so bad if some people didn’t try to play with big meaty claws.
What did you say, PUNK? BIG. MEATY. CLAWS! Well these claws ain’t just for just attracting mates! Bring it on old man! Bring it on! You know you can keep your crustacean hairball, I have something better. Release the Wishiwashi!
If Alolan Persian is the honey roasted speed bag amongst the regional variants, then Crabominable would be the class clown amongst the the newcomers. I don’t hear a lot of good things being thrown his way, and it seems everyone gets their jollies by picking on him. Well, not me. I find this oddball of a crustacean to be incredibly charming. One of the most, in YEARS. Wishiwashi may look like a weak piece of aquatic Sharpedo fodder, but that is all a ruse made to fool those dumb enough to pick on it. For what it lacks in quality, it more than makes up for in quantity...figuratively, and literally. His Schooling ability allows for him to call for backup, and the result is enough to send Gyarados packing. In the same spirit as an Alolan form, Crabominable was born from the nomadic desires of young Crabrawler’s on their journey to “The Top,” but the poor things lost their way, and were forced to tough it out in the freezing wilderness. I’ve heard weirder ways of becoming a furry, but when the going gets tough, the tough grow hair! This Pokemon’s story is very endearing for being based on something so TERRIFYING!
COCONUT CRAB, or Yeti? I don’t know which is scarier. But Generation 7’s Only new Ice-type is a big silly baby. Not only is he oddly adorable, but he does require constant care. Think Lenny from Of Mice and Men. A big lovable oaf who’s slow, and sadly an easy target, but making him mad is the last thing you’ll do. Base 132 Attack is scary, especially when paired with the single best offensive typing possible, spawns a new monster myth. Ice/Fighting covers a total of NINE types, none of which overlap. You a defensive Ground, Grass, Dark, Normal, Ice, Rock, Steel, Flying, or Dragon-type? I’ve got some bad news for you.
The lucky number 7 pinned me down with a good question: What’s my favorite Grass-type? Decidueye is such a cool Pokemon, but Dhelmise is a better Decidueye. (*kicked in the back of the head) Ow! (*looks at Tsareena) Onix is evolving.(*Shakes head to shake off the feelings) What the heck am I saying? My heart already belongs to Lurantis. You wanna play like that? Let’s teach this cretin some manners, Mudsdale.
You can keep those archer owls and giant rusty anchors, for it was the bug in striped pajamas that won me over. I love Lurantis. While the power and elegance of the mantis have been captured before, only now have the two merged, and by God is it dazzling. I realize a pure Grass-type isn’t a very popular choice, but a little simplicity can go a long way. Same can be said for Mudsdale. I liken Lurantis to Lapras. Yes, it’s got gaps in its stride, and it looks tough to maintain in a serious match, but I can’t live without it. This lovely little bugaboo offers the type of elegance and charm our eyes crave but don’t deserve. Slapping a look of modest beauty and the face of a dainty tease onto an adorable pink floral wardrobe, it’s not fair. HEY! Mines a female. Don’t look at me weird. Battle properties: Pure Grass-type, but pretty appealing for one. With solid distribution on everything but speed, it can fill a lot of different roles for being such a vanilla-typing. Good lord, this girl is unpredictable. Treat her nice, and set up something tasteful; it’s gonna be fun.
Ghost-types, in general, are highly-appealing specimens. People like getting spooked, and they most certainly like Poke-I don’t like Poke- FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND I TEACH YOUR THROAT SLASH! Ahem. Yeah it’s no news flash, Alola’s got some great ghoulies out there, and your hostie is here to love them ghosties. Rise up, Palossand! While you see this lump of sand as amazing, I prefer Dhelmise more.
Do you remember that person you killed and then buried on the beach? Cause it sure as heck remembers you! What about the shipwrecks off the coast? Do you remember those? Touche. The complaints about this particular design was stink you could smell a mile away. Ohh, sandcastle for a Pokemon? They’ve lost their touch. Shut up. Just, shut up already. Living objects. IT. HAS. ALWAYS. BEEN. A. THING! Geez, you’d think the complaint would stop by now. I’ll buy just about any inanimate object design, so long as it’s credible. A ghost can take over whatever it wants, the thing looks awesome, fair game. If you could be selective about where you drop dead, I’d recommend the beach, cause at the very least, you’ll live that afterlife as a truly remarkable Ground-type. Or, Grass-type, in my case. Honestly, creepiest Gen 7 Pokemon. A haunted sandcastle sounds silly, until you hear of it’s habit of SWALLOWING small Pokemon and people, draining their life force, and keeping the bones as keepsakes. Geez, that’s gruesome. Don’t mess with the sandcastles. Kick me dude, and you’re breakfast. If you can’t get into the creepy lore, you can admire it’s lovely battle properties. Palossand deviates from its different dirty brothers, and forms an amazing blend of physical defense and special attack. It gets amazing coverage with its moves, not to mention its ability Water Compaction. Don’t care how thick your towel is, nobody sleeps on this lump of sand.
Any objections on revisiting that cosmic thing I mentioned earlier? No? Well, it’s happening anyway. The quality of the legendaries is unmistakable. Solgaleo and Lunala are awesome, the Ultra Beasts, as I said are psychotic, and even the mysterious Necrozma offers up an otherworldly attraction. Though, I say we keep it down to Earth, and spotlight a sleeper spacey. Could care less if you approve of the pun, Minior truly does rock. So does Lycanroc Midnight form.
I can’t think of any Gen 7 Pokemon that tops the sheer amount of detail that was put into this stellar little pebble. I’ve always wanted a werewolf-themed pokemon, and I’ll take that wish now. Granted, I was a bit miffed at the fact it was a pure Rock-type and not Rock/ Dark, but as long as we have a werewolf, I’m not complaining. At first, I thought it was a floating coconut. Dead wrong. Try sentient meteor born from mutated nanoparticles in the ozone layer. Okay. A. That’s awesome. B. Props from having a credible origin. And C. We haven’t had an extraterrestrial since Beheeyem. Government ain’t taking this away. Cosmog quit being a wuss and make room! Living meteor already made my wallet upchuck on my computer screen, but stopping is for punks. Let’s turn it up a notch. Let’s turn the atmospheric debris it collected during its crash course into armour, and give it seven designer colors. I’ll take all of them. Not only are we spoiled by this top notch design, it all plays directly into the game plan. Akin to Wishiwashi and Darmanitan, Minior integrates Form changing into battle. When the shields are up, you’re playing with the status-proof statue, aimed at bracing for the impending skirmish. When the shields are down, defense swaps to offense, the speed doubles, now I recommend you fax your local Dusknoir, because you ain’t waking up from a close encounter with this kind. Think Aegislash, but with a brain to it, as you have to work around one-shots while maintaining a specific health range to maximize the reward, and with Shell Smash, paired alongside powerful assets, and Stealth Rocks, Explosions, lots of type coverage, STAB Power Gem and Acrobatics, dang is there reward.
When you generate as much appeal and money as the Pokemon’s themselves, you can certainly afford some prepackaged shrewd. It may all be a stereotype tagged on children, but the devs know that their old time kiddy consumers grew up. So now that we’ve all gone through puberty, how about a hottie lizard? Although I like Salazzle, I’m gonna stick with Tsareena.
(*chuckles) I love Pokemon so much. It’s low-key tradition for the series to occasionally thrown in some zest, but I didn’t expect the subtlety to learn Feint! It doesn’t take a high IQ to get Salazzle’s game. All it takes is a look at that gender ratio. All pink, all day audience. 100% female, lizard, this little missy’s a whiptail. Strong, independent, don’t need no stupid males...Oh my god.(*looks at the words ”reverse harem”.) Well, they did write their fanfic, and I need a copy now. Reverse harem, yeah. (*laughs) There’s no yard, no milkshake, but the boys be coming. Oh what the heck, I can get behind this only females evolve thing. I mean we all liked Combee, didn’t we, but even then for all her pro’s, I don’t recall Vespiquen having curves! They know what they did, they liked what they did, and they did good, and no. Intentionally distracting hips ain’t the only thing Babezilla’s toting around. How about that typing? Poison/Fire. What else would this intoxicating hottie be? If that already doesn’t make you want her for yourself, the rest of this will seduce you. Moves like a Starmie, hits like an Empoleon. Still not enough? Okay taste this. She can poison anything. Yep, even Steel and Poison-types. Salazzle is a special sweeper, with a seriously powerful Neesh. Having Celesteela or Toxapex issues? I think you know who to call. What’s that? You’re building a wall? Sweetie you tell the cutest jokes.
So how about I pawn off that soul of mine for the 90th time, because it’s time to pick my favorite Gen 7 Bug-type. Oh lord. Be it Vikavolt’s nuclear Special attack, Golisopod’s demoralizing powers of priority, to the doubles deity that is Ribombee. They all rock, and you all know it. But to me, the best of the pests...is Araquanid. Golispod is mine.
What?! Not Golisopod? Yep. Bursting that bubble with pride. When I first saw Wimpod, I looked it straight in the face and said, ”There is no way this little guy isn’t evolving. If it doesn't, then the members of Game Freak are cruel.” I was right. The journey of this curious arthropod was a massive game of Red light, Green light. (*Green light) Holy crap, what is that thing? I need it!(*Red light) (*looking at stats) Oh nooooo!(*Green light) This thing is AWESOME! Lights green. Quick, move! I haven’t seen a Bug-type design this cool since SCIZOR himself. Just when you think the spider-card had been played into the ground, the form of the exotic diving bell spider surfaces as a 6 ft pocket monstrosity. It nails the tropical and pseudo-alien design, and I can’t get enough of it. The face value is high in design, but we were all guilty of thinking otherwise of its battle properties. Incredible bulk, useless attack and move pool. Not that simple. For this things ability is jaw-dropping. That water bubble around Araquanid’s head not only halves Fire damage, but it prevents burn, and DOUBLES the power of Water- attacks before STAB! That’s nuts! I guess that does make it a better Water-type than a Bug-type, but hey, I’m not complaining when the spidey sense starts tingling.
I can’t be too sure if all of my choices are safe, but there is one I know I can find cover behind. One of Gen 7’s popular new faces. A face that is revered, without ever being seen. Come on out little guy, we’re you’re friends. You have friendship while I have protection. Go Kommo-o
I don’t care what kind of jury is behind you, you’re are always going to be tagged guilty in the case of “Who loved Mimikyu?” I have yet to see anyone plead innocent, for Alola’s very own masked heartthrob is among one of the most interesting designs they’ve ever put out. Kommo-o is a big example of the Mama bear trope. This thing will watch over the young ones from a good distance, and scare away would-be predators by clanging its scales together as show of force. Besides, it’s Dragon/Fighting. We haven’t had that yet, and I gotta say, this thing looks better than Garchomp. It leaves a lot of different and strong emotions to the eyes that meet it, all totalling up to perhaps the most compelling Ghost-type to date. Like Orson from Pac-Man World, Mimikyu has an unhealthy dose of mascot envy, and poses as Pikachu in a desperate attempt to harvest love and attention. Said jealousy eventually formed into resentment, as Mimikyu is also a bitter soul. It really isn’t fair sometimes. On top of being a depressing victim of spiteful grudges, it’s the biggest switcheroo on the biggest tradition in the Pokemon series: The Pikachu clone. All of them embrace the image and are happy to play co-star, but this one takes up the refreshing role of Anti-Pikachu. You feel both pity and fascination for this little misfit, but there is a disturbing bit of mystery going on here. What is under that dummy disguise anyway-- a dead rotting corpse of a spiteful Dedenne? Actually, that might be true. This little pixie knows some amazing tricksies. With the ability to shield any single hit using the decoy, Mimikyu, at minimum, gets a guaranteed free turn, which makes one of the more attractive ‘mons for competitive scuffles. It’s wholly unpredictable, as that free turn can be used for anything. You can craft this little cutie anyway you please and still have it work out. Now, can Pikachu do any of that? No. No he can’t.
The following question has been in many generations: “What team am I on?”, and Sun and Moon is no exception. Team Rowlet, Team Litten, or Team Popplio? What does the brain say? What do the memes say? What does the heart say? Well, Bryant says...Popplio. Team Litten all the way.
Love at first sight, is a concept that borders on sappy and illogical. Come on, are really a simple enough cretin to just…(*looks at Primarina’s gender ratio) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no.(*finally gets a female) OMG she’s so pretty. While many people on the internet hate Incineroar because of his typing, I ain’t one of them. Fire/ Dark-type makes more sense here than you think, mostly because Incineroar is based on a heel, or the type of wrestler that embodies vice, like the Undertaker, for example. What? Were you expecting me to say John Cena? Not happening. Beauty seems to be as a prominent theme in Alola as double-digit speed tiers, and Primarina, oh she the queen! Prettiest pokemon, not just this Gen, but all of them. Fight me! Oh you say yours is male? Well, sweetie,(*whispers) that’s what we call a mirage. Having the mouth of a sailor also means I’m seduced by the same thing. Can I just say that Primarina’s design is just fantastic. I’ve dreamt about a mermaid pokemon for over a decade, and I’ll take that belated wish as I pick out a ring, because this baby girl is worth marrying. Hey, someone was gonna say it, but you might want to read up on her other inspirations before you drift too close. Turns out this little mermaid is more specifically...a siren. You know, those deadly sea skanks who lure voyagers to their death via song. Well, sweetie, how are you gonna…(*looks at stats) Holy Hello! Note to self, don’t forget anniversary. My my, this lovely lass is a Special Tank, with the ridiculous defensive typing of Water/ Fairy, and the gorgeous bottom half of the STAB spread, not even Bug standard coverage is gonna keep you down. Funny. Normally, it’s the seal who claps. Evolution has come a long way.
And now some honorable mentions before we get to Number 1.
On July 1st, 2016, the guardian deity of MeleMele Island was the creator of two things: a new throne atop my favorites list, and a prophecy stating NOTHING will take it from him. On the fateful day that was June 2nd, 2016, the messenger of Arceus known as Lunala came from out of the dark side of the moon, with the intention of granting those seeking their dreams power. I was one of them, and I took it in stride. As the tippy-Tapu of the holy totem pole, the mark of the rooster takes the form of an Electric/Fairy Elder God. Tapu Koko, in my eyes, is the most wicked, most imposing, and perhaps, most magnificent Pokemon of all time. Like the other deities, he’s worshipped as an almighty protector, but in a bit of anti-hero code, is really fickle and won’t defend somebody just because they need it. It draws the portrait of a flawed superhero that only fights for those he truly believes in. It’s a sense of depth the other Tapu’s don’t have, and I really respect that, but if you are the one he chooses to defend, not a dang thing is ever touching you. For a crest as sharp as a saw, and a glare that even champions tremble at, (not me lol), are only two of the weapons this destroyer of the dishonorable wields. Through sacrifice from his disciples, this ancient warrior harnesses all natural-born speed within Alola, totaling up to a terrifying base speed of 130. Let me repeat that. There is now a Fairy-type as fast as Mewtwo! No fainting! He decides when. For the Electric-types day of reckoning has finally come. Behold, Electric Surge. Tapu Koko’s very presence coats the field in Electric Terrain, giving all Electric-type moves a 50% power boost, on top of sleep negation. This things average base 100 in both attack stats, so finishing that bit of math will make even life-form Thunderus cry. This combination of blinding speed, insane electrical offense, resilient typing, and INCREDIBLE team influence, on top of this LITERAL godly design, ensures your end will be met, and with the feeling of starstruck. If I’m forced to be petty, I’d mention his movepool is limited, although he has the tools to combat his fellow Tapu’s, his role as a Fairy is almost exclusively defensive. He doesn’t get Play Rough or Moonblast, we’d all be dead if he did, and can struggle against Ground-types, but I accept the limits, and worship the strengths. I’ll trust this “edgy-ledgy” to protect me, every single time. This has been Bryant Spears, and David McAndrew, and(*in unison), HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY, POKEMON, AND HERE IS TO 20 MORE!!
All images came from Bulbapedia, and that coconut crab image came from here:http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/travel_news/article-3431481/Christmas-Island-tourist-Mark-Pierrot-pictured-giant-coconut-crab.html
I’ve decided to put out a review to celebrate the new year. Today’s review is for something I’ve had my eyes on for a while now, but not just one, but two. Team Fortress 2 and Overwatch. Now most people call Overwatch the better TF2. I don’t agree, seeing as TF2 practically paved the road for Overwatch. Plus they have their differences. While TF2 has a set of 9 classes to pick from, Overwatch has up to 23 characters to play with as of now, and they’re planning on adding more. In both games, each character has their own unique background and personality, and no two are alike. I’ll cover TF2 now, and Overwatch in February. So let’s look at TF2’s rogues gallery of goofballs first. The first guy we’re looking at is Heavy.
His main playstyle, if you couldn’t guess, revolves around using a minigun and bare knuckles to slaughter the enemy opposition. Plus he eats a sandvich if he is low on health.
The only problem with playing as Heavy is he is the slowest class. Period. But what he lacks in speed he makes up for in raw offensive power and defensive tanking, not to mention that he has an HP stat of 300 health. Heavy is not only fun on the battlefield but off as well. Heavy hails from the Soviet Union, the land of backwards Russian stereotypes. His personality is just bursting with foreign charm--so much that everything that he says is entertaining. Heck, I need Chloraseptic just listening to this guy. I kind of see Heavy as that one standout weirdo in your elementary school class. I mean, he’s anything but ordinary --always getting everyone’s attention, and if he isn’t making you laugh, he’s probably eating lunch. Hmm, sounds like me in the 8th grade. Heavy’s myriad of miniguns include the Brass Beast, Tomislav, Huo Long Heater, and my personal minigun of choice, Natascha.
Next up is what many describe the best character in all of TF2. The Medic
Well, if it wasn’t obvious as to how he plays, Medic plays as the team healer, armed with what might just be the most unique and creative attire in the world of medicine. I’m looking at the gun he’s holding in the picture above. That...is the Medigun, a type of weapon that shoots a healing beam at teammates, healing them COMPLETELY of all their ailments. There are a ton of these, but I prefer the Quick-Fix more. Not to mention, Medic really benefits from his melee arsenal, except for the Vita-Saw. Plus his personality is just BEGGING to be examined. Doctor jokes aside, Medic hails from Germany. Stuttgart, Germany to be precise. But while this man looks the part of a normal respectable doctor, nothing could be further from the truth. While being an actual man of medicine, Medic cares NOT for the sick and dying. Ha Ha, love the irony. Plus, he’s a little bit, I don’t know, NUTS? Is that what they are wanting me to say? (*indistinct talking) Oh. Okay. Call him CASHEWS for all I give a care. Respect your doctors people, even if some of them do have a bit of the crazies.
You know what they say about America. Yeah!!! NO, the other one. YOU STINK! Yeah, that’s hitting the nail. With that out of the way, I now present to you our new secret weapon.
Ahh, yes the Soldier. God help us now. This class is probably the most easiest class for new players to master. Armed with a myriad of bazookas, ranging from the dud weapon that is the Rocket Jumper to the OP weapon that is the Airstrike, the Soldier --a sort a mixed bag for me, mostly because of his personality. You ever seen a chicken get cornered in its coop? Just chop the thing’s head off, and you’ll get the same thing as the American nutjob here. You don’t have to observe the Soldier for very long to find what he is all about: WAR & PATRIOTISM. Oh lovely. Plus, there is one thing other countries think of us Americans as on top of obesity: CRAZY AS HECK!! And they’d be kinda right, and Soldier kinda represents all that pent up insanity. Soldier here is depicted as everything wrong in an American local. He’s savagely arrogant, thinks every other nationality is inferior, and just comes across as mean. Same goes with his dialogue. That, and his melee arsenal is small. But he has one very unique ace no one can pull off but him: ROCKET JUMP! Look up rocket jumping on Google for more information.
Let’s play two little games. What do the following three things have in common? Toast, fries, and kissing. If you guessed that they’re all french, congrats. Next, what do James Bond, Austin Powers, and Agent 007 have in common? If you guessed that they are all spies, good job. Now you’re most likely wondering,”What does french and spies have to do with anything?” Simple, really. Gentlemen, and ladies, France’s own spy
(although the item in his hand looks like a cigarette, it’s a secret weapon that disguises him from enemies)
Yes, the spy. His weapons of mass destruction include a large array of knives, including my favorite, the Conniver’s Kunai, used for backstabbing enemies, an OP six shot revolver, a disguise kit, and cloaking. His playstyle is the hardest to master due the danger you put yourself into. Playing as the spy involves playing in a less Rambo-ish fashion. So running in all Rambo is about as smart as wearing a 25 ft scarf while working a wood chipper. Sneaking around using invisibly from the Invisi-watch and faking his own death with the Dead Ringer, making it easier to perform the devil’s work, and so many classes are good targets. Slow heavy’s and Demomen, bumbling soldiers, Medic’s healing their teammates, and Engie, oh poor fricking Engie. NO ONE is safe from the spy. The very moment you click on that 9th slot, you become everyone’s worst nightmare. Not so much as what you’re going to do, but because of what you CAN do. Now let’s look at his personality. The dude is a complete SNAKE. Now don’t get me wrong, I love snakes, but if that snake is wielding a revolver and has a knife hidden under his cufflinks, I’d rather play chicken with a Black Mamba. But underneath it all, he’s a prim and proper sophisticat enough to be called a ladies man. Go check out the Meet the spy video on Youtube to get what I’m talking about. Although he’s a spy, his profession steers more towards “SWINDLING DAGGER-HAPPY RAT,” but that is only when he is playing shank me with my spine.
Anyone here like a good mystery? Like a…(*sniffs the air)...is something burning? Wait...Oh god! HE’S NOT HERE IS HE?! RUN!
Okay with that bit of fear out of the way, let’s talk about the mystery centerpiece of TF2 and every pyromaniac’s prestigious idol, the Pyro. What I’m about to say is true, the Pyro, scares me. His menacing appearance, weapon of choice, and his baffling ambiguity is all just unsettling to me. Now while no one knows anything about the Pyro, what we do know is kind of hard to make anything out of. While he mumbles instead of speaking, and has no concrete personality, his gameplay is kind of amazing. Looking at his name might just give you a clue. Wielding a homemade flamethrower as his primary and a flare gun as his secondary, Pyro can be a hot shot on the field, literally. Besides his flamethrowers afterburn, it comes with a hot secondary feature. With just a click of the alt fire button, a powerful blast of compressed air will shoot out of the tip of the flamethrower, propelling enemies, knocking back anything that isn’t a regular bullet, and extinguishing burning players. Now a lot of people seem to think that Pyro is feckless to the team's efforts. To them I say..."Hudda hudda huh!" Interpret that how you will.
OH goodess, now we’re into the good stuff. I’d like introduce Tavish Finnegan DeGroot, or as many now him, the Demoman.
Scotland, bow before your king. Usually found making out with a bottle of scrumpy every day of the week, Demoman wins my vote for best character. Behold what is set before your very eyes. We have an Alcohol-drinking, bomb-chucking, caber-pelting, peg leg-wearing, sword-swiping, F...F...fricking FLYING, Black Scottish Cyclops. Was someone at Valve tanked one night, or is this just the most amazing design for a character I’ve ever seen. Not only that but most of what comes out of Demoman’s mouth sounds like what you’d hear at any local bar, only instead bare knuckles and broken beer bottles, it’s grenade launchers and eyelanders. I’ve never been to Ullapool, Scotland, but if this is their town drunk, people there must be fun. Considering that Demoman is always borderline tanked on the battlefield, you’d think it would make him hard to play as, but no. It only gets crazier from here. Plus Demoman’s the only character with an alternate playstyle. Yeah I’m talking about DemoKnight son. Good Lord, that’s some bloody variety. Demoman specialises in indirect fire, and for good reason. And now, I’ll spin ya a wire. (*Prep up the crosshairs, focus your good eye. Use bombs wisely lad, now watch the pieces fly!)
Well, next we mister NOPE himself, the Engineer.
Well now. Don’t that beat all. Engineer is probably my second favorite class to play as. Everywhere you look, there seems to be a hint of technology to be seen. Heck even his name! Dell Conagher. What’s his wife’s name, Toshiba? But looking at Engineer, you kinda expect some sort of crazy scientist personality, but no. He acts more like your average Joe, and that’s a breath of fresh air I never thought could be drawn in. When you normally think of an average Joe, you don’t usually picture anyone exceedingly fun. But he comes from good ol’ Bee Cave, Texas. Looking at his arsenal, the Engineer has a lever-action rifle, and a wrench used for making his utilities, and it seems each one represents each of the three classes. The Teleporters warp team members from Point A to Point B, representing offense, the Sentry guns represent a defensive aspect, and the Dispensers represent support. The fans of the internet may love him...A lot, but his teammates see him as a maker of toys, not attrition, and that he hides behind his creations too much. Not only that, but he seems oblivious to everything around him, almost to a blissful degree, but he can well be a jerk on his own. All that slander and more provided by Grant Goodeve. He’s the guy from Eight is Enough. David? Nobody saw that? Eh. The only problem with Engie is that spy’s act as his Achilles heel.
You know what kids nowadays lack the most of? Patience. But this next class is all about that lost virtue. I present to you, The Sniper.
Well, to quote the Sniper on his job: “Sniping’s a good job, mate. It’s challenging work, outdoors. I guarantee you won’t go hungry, cause at the end of the day, as long as there are two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead,”and he’s right about it. Mr. Mundee here comes from the great Outback of Australia. Armed with a sniper rifle, (obviously), a machete if enemies get too close, and Jarate.
NO, I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT IS. IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT. On a side note, Spy is his rival for a reason, mostly because they are what I consider assassins for hire. His personality is kinda funny. You know how I said the Soldier is mean? The Sniper blows that out of the water. He’s so dang arrogant and condescending, but unlike the Soldier, it isn’t about your nationality. So I guess that’s an improvement. So if you choose to play the Sniper, to be professional, you need to have standards. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Ah, process of elimination. Funny thing ain’t it? The final class we have to talk about is probably the most annoying, both in gameplay and in personality. We’re talking about the Scout.
What? What’s with the look? Don’t look at me like that. It’s creepy. But do you have any idea, any idea who this is? Yeah, I don’t know his name either, but we do know he comes from Boston, Massachusetts. The snarky scrapper, is the fastest class in the entire game, equipped with a modified shotgun, a baseball bat for that home run headshot, and a pistol. Most people find Scout to be an annoying species, and it’s not hard to see why. He is pretty much Sonic the Hedgehog on a caffeine overdose with a gun, but if you don’t get that mental description, let me put it another way. Imagine, there’s a bunny, and he’s in your yard. Now God thought it’d be funny to give that bunny a shotgun and 20lbs of carbonated sugar, and that bunny wants to hurt you. What do you say to that? I thought so. Still, personality wise, Scout has a bit of an arrogant one. But surprisingly, it’s not that offensive to me, mostly cause it sounds like every smart remark to ever come out of someone’s mouth. Also, any argument that Scout isn’t a good class can easily be debunked or just plain false. But you know what TF2 is most famous for? Hats. So is TF2 a good game? In my opinion, yes, but don’t just take my word for it. Go play it yourself to find out. It’s free on Steam. This is Bryant Spears signing out, and remember, old games can be just as good as their successors.
Before we start, let me just ask you something. What do you consider weird? Maybe a game that has odd controls or odd objectives. Well, we’ve got ourselves rare specimen. This is a game for SEGA’s last console, the Dreamcast in 1999. In essence, this game is like an earlier version of Tamagotchi, but there are two major differences. The first is size difference. Here is an image of a Tamagotchi:
Now here is an image of the Dreamcast:
Second difference is the game itself. The name of this game is…
Do I really have to say it?...Yes, I know that’s what the game is called, but I’m just afraid of what google auto-correct is going to do...or worse...The blog moderators…Ok fine I’ll do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you...I kid you not…Seaman. Ok, first off, yes that is the actual name, I am not making that up. But, aside for the the name, this game requires a Dreamcast microphone to function properly. Anyway, this game is something everyone will love… the narrator for this game is, get this…Leonard Nimoy, as in the guy who played Spock, and voiced G2 transformers Galvatron and Sentinel Prime in Dark of the Moon. May he rest in peace. Anyway, let’s get back to the game. What do you do in this? Well for starters, you are taking care of fish with human face.
Well It’s kinda weird, what with the weird visuals and the fact that Seaman is a bit...lewd in his behavior and speech, but what makes it strange is the fact that this is not a short game. The manual states it best: “This is not the type of game where one can sit in one place and expect vast amounts of change, like evolution, change occurs over time, and even then, slowly.” This is pretty much the game saying, “You’re play by my rules and schedule” I am Bryant Spears, and this has been Weird Wednesday’s review of Seaman, and it just goes to show you, if you creature is not evolving, use a stone...to beat its head in.