Tuesday, November 14, 2017

How to survive Black Friday

BY ELIZABETH SHARROW AND HANNAH HAYES

Following the Thanksgiving holiday is the wonderful, worldwide trend of Black Friday shopping. After being thankful for everything we have, it’s time to suit up and go out to battle for some once-a-year good deals. To ensure that you stay safe, and get what you’re after, here is a the perfect guide to Black Friday:
Must haves:
  • Police strength riot shield (purchasable on Amazon for only $99.99)
  • Add a riot helmet for $22.57 for extra protection (free shipping!)
  • C O F F E E
  • Is most effective when being catapulted at tired and ruthless shoppers
  • Newspapers
  • Has endless uses
  • Can be used as a blanket when you feel the need for a power nap or as a harmless weapon (if you avoid giving papercuts)
  • Sometimes, people even sleep outside the stores. If you are one of these people, this is necessary
  • Boop people on the head if they’re getting crabby. You came to shop, not to deal with Debbie Downers
  • Snickers
  • You’re not you when you’re hungry, Snickers satisfies
  • Will help you avoid punching that five year old kid over some Legos this year
  • Germ- X
  • While picking up deals avoid picking up the flu
  • So many people have touched that door handle…
  • Use this every five minutes or so. Germs are in the air. Don’t get sick for the holidays
  • Water (stay hydrated it’s important)
  • CAUTION WET FLOOR
  • Make a slipping hazard in the middle of the store. You want the deal, you get the deal, not them
  • Empty water bottles
  • The lines for the bathroom are so, so long...
  • Friends
  • Backup may be needed.
  • You never know what it will take to tackle a lady when she takes the pair of fuzzy socks you wanted
  • Will tackle the sweet old lady for you
And for the more passive people:
  • Just stay home
  • While people are rioting in the stores and streets, you will be at home, safe in bed
  • Cyber Monday is always an option. Your battle can be then. Safe, online, away from actual people

All jokes aside, it is very important to stay safe this Black Friday. We hope everyone has a safe and pleasant holiday break. Happy Thanksgiving!!

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