Thursday, February 23, 2017

First, some announcements. I’ve decided to wait to review Overwatch until they add Doomfist to the game. Also I’ve hired my own censor. Also this article is a triple feature. Now here is some blog content.

My controversial bit is that my great Grandma Ruby just passed away at 9:05 pm Feb. 14th. She was 95 and she was the oldest living woman in Cash. I’m dedicating this article to her, for she was the only person in this world aside from Mrs. Riggs who encouraged me to write poems of thy beautiful mind, and transcribe my hopes and dreams into my works, and to let no one keep me from doing so. The following article is dedicated in her memory. May she rest in peace. I loved her so much.

Remember when I was talking about TF2? Yeah you do. Well, I kinda left it hanging a bit and a few stones unturned, so let’s get into it. I’ve already covered the classes. They are wacky and fun, and the Gmod videos on Youtube are hilarious to watch, but let’s say you’ve had enough R.E.D and B.L.U cheese smothering your computer screen, and that you’re after a legit good game. So remove the character, and you have yourself a rousing game of find the hat in the weapon stack, and that’s a fun game. These are the Top nine best weapons of TF2, and you might be asking,”Why only nine?”, and the answer is because there are only nine classes, but not only that, but also the Top nine worst weapons, which are the weapons you WON’T catch me using, or liking from either side of the coin. The following rules apply: NO stock weapons, and NO reskins. Men? (”Yes?” in unison) Time to work. (Cheers) TOP NINE FIRST.

You know, I take pity on M1 Pyros. No, not that I ENCOURAGE senselessly spewing flames with the DEGREASER, but more so from having the lack of a secondary. I know, I know. Pressing 2 is hard work, and as much fun as it is to see an enemy derped into submission, but anyone who misses out on Pyro’s collection of awesome secondaries warrants a stock sadness jingle. I mean, there’s always the old shotgun and annoyingly good Reserve Shooter, which are always good choices. But if I could have a bit more fun, could you just switch to...Oh that’s hot.
The Scorch Shot
Level 10 Flare Gun
100% mini-crits vs burning players
Flare knocks back target on hit and explodes when it hits the ground.
Increased knockback on burning players
-35% self damage force
-35% damage penalty
This weapon will reload automatically when not active.

You know, in any game, I admire versatility. The regular Flare Gun is the most powerful of its kind, but this iconic alternate is by far the most diverse. The main feature to the Scorch Shot is that it features a knockback mechanic. ANYONE who has crossed paths with Pyro will tell you the nightmares of the dreaded air blast...and if you have a secondary that can emulate that power, you’re holding some awesome in your hands. On first shot, it knocks your enemy back similarly to an air blast. As with all knockback, it’s a wonderful tool for throwing your prey off, potentially flinging them into greater danger. It also carries with it Pyro’s deadliest attribute: Afterburn. So it ignites enemies and is a champion in dodgeball. Plus it mini-crits burning players and gives them no-clip for half a second. Throw in the ability to blast jump and eliminate sticky traps...Ohohoho. I love you!


I’ll stand by it as long as I have to. Heavy is my favorite class, if we’re talking personality. But he’s got something we can all probably relate to. He’s got some weird interests. The sandwich thing ain’t so bad, but what kind of guy courts his gun?("Kiss me.") Heavy you have a Medic. Give him a hug when you’re lonely.(“Sasha.”) Is that how they do it in Russia? I mean how can…(*Looks to right to see Natascha).

The Natascha Level 5 Minigun
On Hit: 100% chance to slow target
-20% damage resistance when below 50% health and spun up
-25% damage penalty
30% slower spin up time

Love, can drive a man crazy, and most people would think I’m crazy for putting this thing on here, but Ms. Natascha here is some catch...or pitch, I don’t know, interests. Prior to the Strongbox Patch and the late Gun Mettle update, this was undoubtedly the WORST of all the miniguns. (*reads red text.) Ugh. It’s me in the morning. The catch with Ms. Natascha is a slower spin up time and a damage penalty, and for what Heavy normally does, that doesn’t seem like a smart choice. Heavy specialises raw offensive and defensive tanking, taking truck-loads of abuse, and basically chuck back in your face, Wobbuffet-style. The stock minigun, as well as most of the others, capitalize on this beefy offense. Natascha, however, caters to defense. Your spin up may be slower, and DPS not as top notch as stock, but you’re 20% more resilient while the uh...tip, is deployed. Meaning Snipers can no longer one-shot you, and fights against stock Heavies are no longer one sided. That’s fantastic. Combine that with a Vaccinator Medic, and you become an amazing defensive force. The other perk is that it slows your enemies down. If even ONE of those chic bullets hits them, they gain like...50 tons? On the surface, that seems extremely dumb. ”Slow my enemies down? Why? Am I going to “make them” make me a sandwich?” Well it does a good job, most of the other guns go merciful and them to slip away, but Natascha says.


Ah, tsk, tsk, tsk. You’re a Dorito chip under a pack croutons. You even dare MATERIALIZE into sight, you’re a sneeze away from being the crumblies only the vacuum tastes. Deadly when under the radar, but that’s only after you’ve managed to escape the bullets and whatever Scout brought with him. His Meet The video is awesome, but it’s hardly accurate. Spy is like a dang temple artifact you can’t even TOUCH without some sort of crack. That’s because no weapon grants him a larger health cap...except for one.

Conniver's Kunai
Level 1 Kunai
On Backstab: Absorbs the health from your victim
-55 max health on wearer
Start off with low health
Steal all of their health
I give you...The Conniver’s Kunai. A sidearm cutlass that heavily promotes caution. You might be surprised to find this here, seeing as I just took a shot at the class's frailty. But it doesn’t take Einstein’s brainy hair to tell you THIS deathly dagger is Satan in disguise. Equipping it as a first-timer the reaction must’ve been unanimous. Meet the Kunai Spy. What seems like half a gentlemen, stands tall as the devil’s delegate. Weapons that reduce health can suck a fatty. I generally hate them. Even lowering the white plus by 10 is bad, BUT 55?! A single MELEE hit is a quick howdy-doody to Grim. Why would anyone want that? Take notes from Michael Owens from Jurassic World...Keep your eyes on blue. (“Uh oh”)(Scream) I’d tell a joke, but there is already something out there that up souls. Whatever opposite colored dope unlucky enough to have their spine poked, their soul is leached, and temporarily fills in for the one you sold. It’s so evil. A Spy wielding this thing maybe as brittle as soggy single-ply toilet paper starting out, but is also capable of obtaining an Over-heal stat HIGHER than a stock Spy gets. But, there’s another gratuitous perk to being Satan’s spiffy puppet. Backstabbing an enemy not only saps their HP, but anything degenerative to your health like Afterburn or bleeding, VANISHES. I like to think of it as an extreme dice roll. The idea of starting off with that little health can be a problem. It’s a risky approach, and can limit your presence if not properly understood, but in the long run, it can REWARD you far more than the stock options. Now, rations. Come to me.(*Laughs maniacally.)


As I’ve said before, Soldier’s a mixed bag for me. It’s the kind that holds the occasional, unusual war-pig and PERHAPS an awesome rocket launcher, but also festers in the stench of AIDS-stained pickaxes, dysfunctional Sandman’s, and…("Maggots!") Yeah. But, you know, 8.5 out of 10 scientists agree that maggots can’t fly. So we’re safe up here, honey.Air Strike.pngThe Air Strike
Level 1-100 Rocket Launcher
-15% blast damage from rocket jumps
Increased attack speed and smaller blast radius while blast jumping
Clip size increased on kill
-15% damage penalty
-10% explosion radius

This little sky princess may have a touchy name, depending on whoever is reading this, so I’m just call her, ”Aerial”. Much prettier. When the Love and War update hit the scene, nobody could stop doing the late conga, or take their eyes off the Tide-turner, except for me. I was too busy having the most fun I’ve EVER had with the Soldier. If we’re being honest with ourselves here, Soldier is pretty much an air fighter, like a Jigglypuff singing The Rocketmen. OUTRUNNING the wind itself, and greatly benefits from maintaining a higher ground and attacking from above. It was worse when it first came out, but once again, Gun Mettle pulled through with amazingness, and made TF2 Airline’s tickets scrap-cheap. Aerial is all about relocating pain and placing it above you. Hold that sweet little trigger after a blast jump and... It’s Fantastic Four’s opening weekend...No, I don’t kinda feel guilty for doing that. You’re going to have to LOOK me in the eye and say,”That ain’t crazy”, cause I just might not believe you. With an additive clip increase on each subsequent kill, this thing can up to 8 rockets in a single clip, and they ain’t weak. Only a 15% damage penalty, and a barely noticeable blast radius decrease. Hard to joke about something this powerful. Let that sink in...AND EAT YOUR SOUL! So Johnny Bravo, Babelicious. While the damage output is extreme, you need to be able to rocket jump efficiently and consistently for damage indicators to scream OMG. Meaning you either take a megaton of damage, pairing it with the shotgun, strict airtime with Gunboats or Buff Bugle, or pair it with the”Para-shoot me!” to maximize airtime, at the risk of being Sniper’s next taxidermied trophy. So, no. Not too strong, but very strong for sure.


I tend to anger people, don’t I? Maybe it’s my voice, mannerisms, or some trivial things, but it will never cease to be a theme. Hate to perpetuate this ever-running train, but it’s not like I can control it, and this next segment is an ironic kick to the face, because it does just that. Hold onto your head, butt, bladder, wherever the salt comes from, in comes...the sleeper.

The Sydney Sleeper
Level 1 Sniper Rifle
+25% charge rate
On Scoped Hit: Jarate target for 2 to 8 seconds based on amount charged
Headshots or fully charged shots cause an explosion of Jarate.
No random critical hits
No headshots

Has Spears turned into a troll? No, just speaking for a severely overheated weapon. This is one of the most despised weapons in the whole game, and there is no reason for it to be so. Almost everyone and their pet capybara refuses to think of Sniper as an actual support class, for the sole fact that he happens to possess the strongest hit-scan hardware of all the mercenaries, able to consistently do a minimum of 150 damage and a maximum of 512 damage with his trademark headshot with all his rifles, except this one. Naturally, that power went to everyone’s head, as quite a lot of players that pick up Sniper try to make him an offensive class. Do you know how many face and palm replacements I’ve had to get, listening to stuff like this? I myself take the role as Sniper with a title in mind! You wanna be a lone wolf, thirsty for MLG jollies? Whatever. I like this weapon. It is true what they say. This thing can’t headshot by regular means. As a trade in, instead of doing regular burst damage, charges 25% faster, and coats your target in JARATE depending on how long a scope shot is charged. In case you’ve forgotten, getting covered in that stuff ain’t good. You take 35% more damage than someone dry, putting you at a huge disadvantage, and something that can apply that to multiple targets from across the map is in no position to be called terrible. A single Sydney Sleeper Sniper,(say that five times fast), can mess up a team something real nasty if not taken care of, cause he’s providing damage buffs to allies no matter where he is. True you’ll end up with a ton of assists, but man can it get work done. Also it’s fully charged shot can oneshot more than half the classes. Body shots are only for noobs, but splash-damage kills? Give that war hero pancakes! But the real reason it’s awesome?

Heh heh. Oh Medic. How the others underestimate you so. He may not be an absolute powerhouse outside the derpy random crit roulette, but his powers of remedy and scientific gumption are a force to be feared more so than any glorified boomstick. Reason being his amazing Nobel prize beaut, the Medi-gun. It’s a weapon you can only hate out of jealousy. For a while, I was torn at which medi-gun was my favorite. But after the Vaccinator nerf, the Quick-Fix rapidly took the front seat.
Image result for quick-fix tf2The Quick-Fix
Level 8 Medi Gun Prototype
ÜberCharge increases healing by 300% and grants immunity to movement-impairing effects
+40% heal rate
+10% ÜberCharge rate
50% max overheal
Mirror blast jumps and shield charges of patients.

Getting hurt stinks. Even little boo-boos aren’t welcome. “This will only sting for a moment”, was merely a medical fantasy for the longest time. Enter the Uber Update. Medic stole the frickin show in the premiere of his Meet the video, and the path to glory was obtainable with his brand new medi-gun. In my eyes, the Medic’s strongest attribute for most situations is the rate at which he heals his patient. That’s not to say uber’s aren’t so. Quite the opposite, but healing as many allies as quickly and efficiently as possible, will matter everywhere and at all times, and that’s what the 3rd gen medi-gun is all about...speed, and mobility in general. With a hefty 40% faster healing rate, you can mend your wounded buddies so much faster than the other Mediguns. Accounting for around 34 health units every second, you can fully heal every friendly class in less than 10 seconds, which is fricking insane! The mobility perk is good too, because no matter how fast your patient is, you’ll go the same speed as them, making it the ONLY medigun that can pocket Scouts on the move, and any blast jumping performed by the patient will carry the Medic wherever they go, thus getting the Medic where he needs to be. It’s so surreal to Medic spontaneously everywhere, thus making playing as him more fast-paced and enjoyable, in my opinion. All this literally makes Medic a literal guardian angel.(We are invincible!) I haven’t even mentioned the Ubercharge. 300% heal rate, for goodness sake, this sounds unstoppable.(Hehe...well no) While you heal super fast, you can only give patients half the Overheal other options normally give, and although Pyros can’t handle you as easily, Snipers, Spies, and large enough bursts of damage will end you as always. Afterall,  it’s nothing if not omnipresent, and with this pretty thing, OURS, most certainly is.


Oh yes! Time for Prince Tavish’s royal piece of the lying Portal cake. More so than any class in the game, Demoman is the one most people pick.  He is the wasted epitome of ridiculous fun in this game. That’s because there are so many ways to go Demo. Pipe bombs, sticky bombs, Demoknight, sticky jumper, or that dude with the caber! I love this clown! For someone so silly, he can be given some serious tools of destruction, but I’m here just to have the best time. Hello, Loose Cannon.
Image result for loose cannon tf2The Loose Cannon
Level 10 Grenade Launcher
Cannonballs have a fuse time of 1 second; fuses can be primed to explode earlier by holding down the fire key.
+20% projectile speed
Cannonballs push players back on impact
Cannonballs do not explode on impact
Double Donk! Bomb explosions after a cannon ball impact will deal mini-crits to impact victims

There are three main things Demo is associated with: Destruction, chaos, and just being a buffoon. Having what is probably the most appropriate name of any of these hunks of devastation, the Loose Cannon is just as loose as…(NOPE! UN UH!) This is an all new variant of Nick Fury I call...Demomannon. Haha. Here’s the weird thing though, where this dude got a PIRATE’S CANNON, is beyond me, but whichever Johnny Depp movie he stole it from ain’t getting it back. This one of the weapons in the game you can charge, and I’m not talking like a sniper rifle. The fuse only lasts for about a second before the cannonball explodes. Where that ends up detonating is all up to you to decide. Already being a weird concept, the damage scaling for it is really...schizophrenic. Hitting the enemy directly with the cannonball doesn’t do that all that much damage, but it sends them fricking flying! ( Dang. Hope you weren’t planning on living. The other weird thing is the explosion doesn’t do too much damage either, so to a traditional Demo, this takes a long time adjusting to. The only real way to do damage with this thing is to time your charge shot into one insane combo. (*BOOM)  Bloody firecrackers aren’t the extent of this longtom.You can also blast jump with it. Dude, you're sick. It’s clunky, and kinda hard to handle properly, but dang is it a party.


Picking just one weapon from Scout’s arsenal was hard. do you do that? It’s like picking your favorite pizza. What do I choose? Uhh...Atomizer, Wait uh...Force-a-nature, ehh...The Winger...Ahhh! I can’t choose my babies. I can tell you right off the bat…(*smacked in the head with a baseball bat.) Uh ha ha ha. How high is your horse to think you can just cut me off…(*slice) Oh you two are cute.
Image result for sandman tf2

The Sandman
Level 15 Bat
Alt-Fire: Launches a ball that stuns opponents
-15 max health on wearer
The Flying Guillotine
Level 1-100 Cleaver
Throw at your enemies to make them bleed!
Long distance hits cause mini-crits
100% critical hit vs stunned players
No random critical hits
Administrator, Spears is cheating again. No. I’m the bat & cleaver man, and last time I checked, nobody argued with those. If I talk about the Sandman or Flying Guillotine on it’s own, the world will freakin explode. It’s the law of nature. Do you order your burger, and not take the fries? Do you watch Tom without Jerry? DO YOU...EAT...OREOS...MILKLESS?! What kind of life is that?
These two weapons are the OTP. The Sandman is often considered Scout’s best melee weapon, for it’s lack of a damage penalty, and it’s ability to stun mid to long range opponents. This is complemented perfectly by the Flying Guillotine, a clean 50 damage shot, with about 40 extra in bleed damage, but it fricking crits for 150 on “stunned opponents.” My my. What a specific stat. With these two combined, you have a shot as powerful as a fully charged bodyshot, on a crippled target. On their own, they’re offsetted by their negative changes. The Sandman gives you less health, and has a long recharge time, and the Guillotine replacing other options for countering his biggest weakness: Sentries. But they’re a dream team put together. It’s really cool how they act as long ranged attacks, covering a spectrum Scout’s great Primaries don’t cover, and the SUPER quick recharge time of the Guillotine aids in the Sandman’s favor. The only problem with this combo is that you’re sacrificing increased range and damage output for both your versatility and survivability. That, and you can’t do anything against sentries, but geez do you hit hard. It’s for the type of Scout who just wants to hurt people, and while everything is ethically wrong with that, it feels kinda right at the same time.


Remember when I said admire versatility in any given design? Well, what happens when you take TF2’s very emblem of versatility, and stick him in a good review article, with one segment to go. Even though Scout may be my favorite, Engie ain’t too far off, and I can’t deny the man’s incredible loadout. From as unbalanced as the Short Circuit, to the potent salty flavor of the pre GunMettle Gunslinger and Old Pomson, to the ludicrous Jag of today, Engineer has always had a weapon aligned with the community’s crosshairs, for the Good, Bad, and Ugly, and throughout the many patches, they’ve all been negatively weakened to a large degree...Except for one. The one weapon, that no matter the nerfs made to his other playstyles, ALWAYS stays strong, and complements those that need help. Men...and madams. The Rescue Ranger.

The Rescue Ranger
Level 1-100 Shotgun
Alt-Fire: Use metal to pick up buildings from long range
Fires a special bolt that can repair friendly buildings
-34% clip size
-50% max primary ammo on wearer
Self mark for death on building pick up

For the longest time, Engie had a consistent problem. Whenever you would down an important chokepoint down on defense with your Sentry, you had little to no choice on how to handle it effectively. Sure, you could spam the team roster with seven hatless handymen to help, but that’s a quick path to facepalming. No, in order for a solo Engie to keep their baby alive during crazy pushes, they’d have to turtle, and stay right next to the sentry, whacking it with the wrench nonstop. Of course, as we all remember, it was any easy way to get beat up. Valve, as they do eventually, listened to our teeth gritting yells of frustration, and revolutionized engineering forever, with this jacked-up shotgun. Most of Engie’s firepower is hit-scan, so it was weird to see him shoot a projectile that wasn’t a sentries rocket. But these ain’t no ordinary projectiles. They’re multipurpose long-ranged bolts, capable of healing any team building at pretty much a Sniper’s range. You could be across the map, and still effectively heal your machines as you would close range...without using metal. This means the gap between the Engineer and his stuff could be significantly larger, ensuring the survivability of you and your buildings. Even better, it works the other way around. Too much firepower raining down your precious baby? Right click, and bring him, or her, back safely from the the bad people, at the cost of 100 metal. This gives the hulking level 3 sentry greater mobility, and the Engineer access to great positioning. Sounds too good to be true, really, and too good never flies. The Rescue Ranger has suitable drawbacks. Only 4 shots in a clip, half the normal shotguns ammo, and about half the firepower. So it’s almost strictly for utility. That, and the bolts can’t refill sentry ammo, or do anything against one that’s being sapped. Despite that, it’s incredible benefits can be breathtaking, especially when combined with other options, and that why it’s number one. Now that we’ve seen the good, let’s see the bad.


As the only number nine that proves itself mighty, does Spy really have a bad weapon? fish moo? Don’t waste my time with questions. Heck, there isn’t any Spy item I hate full and through. I mean, yeah the Enforcer enforces jack-diddly squat, and Red Tape Recorder doesn’t get me making some noise, but he’s Gaben’s favorite, so I shouldn’t be surprised he has the most well rounded arsenal. But if there is something that Baron von Balaclava does idiotically well, it’s annoying the heck out of me with his insanely strong toys. Ever since Sniper vs Spy, a confirmed kill has never been as big a lie, as that scumbag cake.Image result for dead ringer tf2The Dead Ringer
Level 5 Invis Watch
Cloak Type: Feign Death
Leave a fake corpse on taking damage and temporarily gain invisibility, speed and damage resistance
+50% cloak regen rate
+40% cloak duration
-50% cloak meter when Feign Death is activated
No cloak meter from ammo boxes when invisible
-35% cloak meter from ammo boxes

Let’s play I spy. I spy with my little eye...something yellow, something evil! Trade up for a name tag and call it Modern Spongebob, because I struggle to find a difference. The Dead Ringer was ORIGINALLY number 1 when I had my old order arranged a few months back. Yes, the ”Brain Dead Ringer” used to rustle my jimmies so bad they became timmies. While those days are thankfully over, my blood is still enriched with enough sodium to contest seawater. The design of this watch is ingenious, allowing the french fry to fake his own death, with the trade off of no onhand cloak. This changed Spy’s meta forever, now allowing for a more aggressive playstyle, thanks to an escape mechanism not even Houdini's ghost could pull off. Setting this thing off rewards the player with 3 seconds of MASSIVE resistance, afterburn immunity, minimal cloak shimmer, and...oh yeah, the speed of a Scout. All this combined makes for a powerful, hit and run insta-kill hybrid, and the most annoying item to combat BY FAR! Sure, it’s tricky to master, and ROARS upon decloaking, but that doesn’t make it less of a pain to deal with. Is it OP? No, it’s modern stats make it harder to abuse, and Mad Milk don’t make it big and strong. But this unholy trinket will always be that in which I hate to hate.


Ever since Gun Mettle, I’ve gathered a lot more admiration for Heavy. I mean he’s always been my favorite Valve character, POOTIS almighty, never let that go unheard, but we’ve holding that one note of 🎵Stock-vich-groove, please let us do more.🎵 for about seven years. Let me breath! Before the high quality balance patches of late 2015, Heavy had probably the worst weapon line up. Period. Those days are mostly over, thankfully, and there are more viable selections for the Soviet Snorlax than ever before. So there’s no excuse anymore.
Image result for brass beastThe Brass Beast
Level 5 Minigun
+20% damage bonus
-20% damage resistance when below 50% health and spun up
50% slower spin up time
-60% slower move speed while deployed

I’ve noticed a pattern here. In TF2 weapon society, If you look cool, sound cool, you’re probably not cool. Let’s just say, Mr. Beast ain’t a social butterfly. Quick positive to note. It’s the hottest looking minigun, bar none. Like a cold curvy Mrs. April. Whew. That’s definitely a Sandvich in your pocket. Because nobody’s happy to see them stats. Good lord, man! Not even Brawl Sonic would joke about you. Let me ask a question to all those Heavy players. What makes Heavy fun? Speaking for myself, I love being the proverbial clog in the enemy team’s pipeline, taking pride in protecting my team, and ripping babies to shreds. (Maniacal laugh) Context is for the dead. Every. Single. Minigun. Allows the big loveable oaf to do this. Except this one. The Brass Baby distances itself from that so much, it honestly  feels like all the hyperbole filed complaints about the class’s speed got manufactured into physical form. 20% damage bonus? Yay, but does that really help me when I’m imploded into the ground? A Brass Beast Heavy is often compared to a Sentry. You know, huge DPS. CANNOT move. So it obviously pans well on defence, right? Well, yeah, but every other Heavy primary will offer similar success, but with fewer risks and more versatility. Even on the defensive, Natascha is strictly better, save for when an Engineer is babysitting you. Not to mention the Meet Your Match nerf gave me seven types of Ebola. I guess it is decent, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fricking boring.


Ugh, Sniper secondaries.Yuck! Are you really gonna make me touch these? This isn’t just a mixed bag, it’s a sweat stained sack filled with why do I bother. Just reaching in here, you’re always gonna pull out something gross. Be it the Darwin’s Danger Shield, piece of booty on anything Razorback, and (*pulls out Jarate)  Are there any guns in here?

The Cleaner's Carbine
Level 1 SMG
Dealing damage fills charge meter.
Secondary fire when charged grants mini-crits for 8 seconds.
-20% clip size
-25% slower firing speed
No random critical hits
So. Jarate or Cleaner’s Carbine? Is this life’s greatest mystery? You know, I don’t recall the cleaning lady being so...lazy. As the Only SMG unlock in the entire game, you’d hope the Cleaner’s Carbine would be good, and...heck, I’m not even sure. Tough break brought changes to this gun that, well I can’t say aren’t interesting. Buffing the lousy firing speed by 15%, and turned it into the first meter-based hitscan secondary. Ok…(*ADDED CRIKEY METER) SO it’s a mini FLOG?!  Well, that shreds it. So if you manage to do 100 damage with the Carbine, the token, ”LOOOOOOL HE’S AN AUSTRALIAN” joke fills up, and basically you have a loners Buff Banner on standby. Alright. All things considered, this is probably a good weapon. 100 damage is the opposite of demanding, and pairing mini-crits with the Huntsman and Bushwacka, suddenly the Sniper turns bloody 12 feet tall. (*chuckles) But, minus the Razorback, it doesn’t really compare to the other options. With a slow fire rate, and a spread as wide as Canada, filling up this thing up is harder than walking the tightrope while doing the splits. Some crazy wizard may be able to pull it off, but if you’re a muggle like me, good luck. Even when it is useful, it doesn’t feel all that rewarding. Hey I want mini-crits. Oh gee, should I use the Carbine, and never get 8 seconds of mini-crits only I can use, or should I fling the Jarate around, for 10 seconds of mini-crits that everyone can use. And here I thought I was supposed to be making the jokes.


How much of a jerk does one need to be to disrespect someone in the medical field? More than me, that’s for sure. Just like Spy, Medic’s arsenal is impossible to reproach, and is expertly condensed. It’s got to mean something when you have the smallest loadout in the game, and still remain the most influential. I have to be honest. I kinda feel like I have to force myself to spit on a Medic weapon, just for the sake of coming full circle. NONE of them are all. So like Number 9, we’ll be looking at my least favorite...The finally interesting, and will not be my target.

The Vita-Saw
Level 5 Bonesaw
On death up to 20% of your stored ÜberCharge is retained
-10 max health on wearer

While I stand by the “Medic having no bad weapons” thing, it’s hard to shy an eye to your greatest possible threat. I freaking hate this thing. I find it surprising how much Medic actually benefits from his melee weapons, not only for passive effects, but a 65 damage smack to the rack is the most practical self defense an optimal Medic can have. So it’s rather daunting to find that this nasty booster shot has both practical damage, and the single most powerful passive bonus in the entire game. Killing an enemy Medic is an achievement well worth dying for, the true team captain and the lifeblood of the whole Meta. You kill him, you’re INSTANTLY a hero. But, you can’t kill evil. When you die as a Medic, you are always rightfully punished with a long respawn, and have to start from the ground up.With the Vita-Saw, however, Medic’s are REWARDED for dying. No matter their condition prior to death, they will get a FIFTH of their Uber Meter filled upon respawn. And what is the big trade off? Ten. Less. Health. Yeah. One pitcher of your finest BLEACH, barkeep. Health penalties are often harsh, but this is so miniscule, it’s barely even a downside. Makes me easier to kill? Whoopee! Less Work! If you have a weapon that makes killing Medic at the right time less rewarding.


It’s some new kind of screwed up to say you feel bad for a merciless flame demon that murders mere mortals by the thousands, but, I really do. No matter what happens, I will have to deal with the fact that the TF2 community will never be okay with my new second favorite class. What? I’m supposed to be ashamed? Right, and Heavy needs more nerfs. Pyro has grown on me tremendously over the last few years, and I’ll stick up for him, even after the map Helltower freezes over. That being said, even a class as appealing and surprisingly intricate as Pyro, has a least common denominator. The one NOBODY likes to talk about. Enter The Phlogistinator.

The Phlogistinator
Level 10 Flame Thrower
Build 'Mmmph' by dealing damage.
Alt-Fire on full 'Mmmph': Taunt to gain crit for several seconds.
Invulnerable while 'Mmmph' taunting.
No random critical hits
No airblast
Being a revolutionary appliance capable of awakening the fire element phlogiston that exists in all combustible creatures, which is to say, all of them.

Okay, no kidding here, I kinda like this weapon. I mean it’s got an interesting concept, and it manages to host some fun raves every now and then. But it pains me so much that I can’t actually praise it alongside Pyro’s other primaries. So what makes this Grordbort branded hose of incinerated happiness the single most despised weapon in all of TF2? One word. Crits. If the vast majority of the playerbase burst blood vessels over random crits, part of a fair and balanced breakfast, tasting Grordbort’s guaranteed crit satisfaction, MUTATES the salt into ACID. Charge that bar for every scrap it owns, and watch with your new found mental serial killer face as you unload all your built up skill onto your now scared helpless prey. Mwahahahahaha! Oh god, that feels awesome. Ahhhh...okay, what’s the downside? (*Looks at bottom red text) What. can’t air blast. That’s...fine. I don’t need it. (*After a montage of me dying while saying I don’t need it.) I! NEED! IT!!!!!


Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol
Level 10 Pistol
When weapon is active:
On Hit: Gain up to +5 health
Wearer never takes falling damage
25% slower firing speed
20% damage vulnerability on wearer

More importantly, why does no one even talk about it. Because it’s pointless. What was once a handy health extension in the same spirit as the Gunslinger, has since devolved into the worst secondary for his meat-shodden majesty. Even though it’s name remained the same, it’s clear that the idiots that make up Mann Co’s assembly line, filed a patent for a half-baked Blutsauger, but realised,”Whoops.  Ship it in again.” Yeah, I’m not kidding, it’s literally a Blutsauger for Scout. Forever plagued with it’s sloth grade fire rate, demoting the fall damage to only while active, and hit the man hard with 20% more damage taken from everything! Even ignoring the  DPS, having to eat more pain while holding a gun you’d only be shooting if you’re already hurt,  than play tag with a ROCK! Much like the Cleaner’s Carbine, I’m half-tempted to pull out a compliment, but I can’t praise a new tactic for Scout that doesn’t supply a benefit, or even fun, and JUST like the Cleaner’s Carbine, it’s curbstomped by another liquid of questionable substance, but top tier utility. The Pretty Boy’s Pocket Pistol is a waste of time. It may be something new to look at, it certainly ain’t pretty.


Of all the loadouts in the game, the Engineer’s S-Tier stain was the hardest to pin down. Mainly because it’s yet another top notch toolset. The duke of dust bowls own pack of wildcards, make for one of the most complete packages I’ve ever seen in an FPS gunman. Whatever weapon he has with him, serves a bountiful, or at the very least, interesting use to whatever he’s tasked with, making him exceptionally dangerous, and versatile. What can I say? Valve takes supreme care of the man. Prior to the recent buff, I would have set the old Eureka Effect here for sure. But now that’s it’s been properly amended in a unique way, I can finally have at the Short Circuit.
Image result for short circuit tf2Short Circuit
Level 5 Robot Arm
Alt-Fire: -15 ammo, destroy projectiles
No reload necessary
No random critical hits
Per Shot: -5 ammo
Uses metal for ammo

Let it be known that I do not fully object to weapons made for the sole purpose to counter sworn enemies. I like the Spy-cicle, BONK! is a well justified addition, and the Gun Mettle Natascha was send. Point is, I don’t see Engineer’s answers to Uber’s and projectiles as unwelcome. Explosives are a HUGE detriment to static buildings. So allow the power of electricity to zap those suckers out of existence, at the cost of metal. Soldiers and Demo’s get twelve strokes an hour just thinking about it, and you know, it does them good to know what that’s like. For me at least, this second-rate secondary poses as the Dead Ringer’s polar opposite. I don’t get frustrated whenever I’m up against it, per say, but I absolutely despise using this thing. First off, I feel as though it suits an uninteresting playstyle. Sacrificing your bottomless pistol, resulting in limited fire power, outside of your primary or sentry. But since you need to park yourself so close to the sentry, as a means to nuke any spam coming your way, it’s not optimal to venture even a tippy-toe out of the guns range. Which is both boring, and often counteractive, being that our targets are EXPLOSIVES! When you think about it, it’s really not all that different from turtling. On it’s own, a boring gimmick, even though I don’t deny that it works, and when held up beside the Rescue Ranger and Wrangler, a situational bore. I’ll emphasize it until overtime. This thing is boring.


If there was a runner up for loosy-goosy balancing shanaynay's, Demoman is silver to Engie’s gold. The TF2 Team has always had trouble keeping their Loch Ness Monster contained, as evidenced by the disgusting lapses of the old Loch’ n Load, Sticky Launcher, Tide Turner. Despite the community’s own luck of the Tavish, it eventually started backpedalling in the opposite direction. Nowadays, Demoman seems to receive more nerfs than anyone else, and I don’t see the crowd taking them too lightly. Hey, you like Demoknight? Yeah!   Well, tough break.

The Claidheamh Mòr
Level 5 Sword
This weapon has a large melee range and deploys and holsters slower
When weapon is active:
+25 health restored on kill
Melee kills refill 25% of your charge meter.
15% damage vulnerability on wearer
No random critical hits

The journey of a Demoknight is rough and void of respect. It’s been hammered into the ground for a while now, for some reason, and our punishment for having a wee bit of unorthodox fun? Getting both our legs chopped off. I could’ve made due with getting the Tide Turner nerfed to, but taking the sword nobody can pronounce, and turning it into the sword nobody can use, is where I stop tolerating. The Claidheamh Mor was once the Demoknight Excalibur. Supplying an extended duration to all of the shield’s charges. It helped with pivotal escapes, enemy pursuits, and was an all round fantastic utility, for the gimmicky subclass. So why did they repeat the same song and dance they performed in front of the “Ugly Brat’s Pocket Lint”, at what is essentially this poor sword’s funeral. The Claidheamh Mor now prides itself as some kind of cheap hybrid of Demoman’s other, better swords, not to mention it mimics the Booties and Tide Turner’s charge replenish stat. So, instead of being known and loved as who you are, you turn to shameless imitation for the sake of less EFFORT?! I did not equip 80% of Youtube’s content, I equipped an amazing sword. Why, would you just give up on us like that?


While I don’t get too much out his character, Soldier remains a consistently fun class to play. There’s a lot of joy out of twirling around a bomb-flavored pixie stick, and watching people die. Turning the opposite colored team into Michael Bay movie extras, is all I really need to justify my 130+ hours with the class. Big shock, I like killing people as Soldier. Thus, the Rocket Jumper means absolutely nothing to me.

The Rocket Jumper
Level 1 Rocket Launcher
+200% max primary ammo on wearer
No self inflicted blast damage taken
-100% damage penalty
No random critical hits
Wearer cannot carry the intelligence briefcase or PASS Time JACK
A special rocket launcher for learning
rocket jump tricks and patterns.
This weapon deals ZERO damage.

Oh I’m not be making friends today, am I? I’m not gonna say, “Hold on, don’t kill me.” That’s the entire point of being a psychotic patriot. But equipping the Rocket Jumper tells me you’re not after kills nor a point. Okay, I shouldn’t be acting like I’m exposing a legendary war hero as a Sham-Wow this thing stinks. Even the majority of day 1 players are aware that the Rocket Jumper is a dud weapon. It’s the harmless bystander that nobody likes to pick on. But it’s called a WEAPON, it takes up WEAPON space, and I don’t agree on giving it a pass it doesn’t deserve. It has probably been made clear that I don’t care all that much about rocket jumping as a Soldier. I mean, I learned the basics, but that’s really all I have the need for. With enough breathing room, Soldier has the best mobility in the game. Every other rocket launcher offers this, on top of supplying firepower. This thing, does no damage, at all. It does NOTHING. Which means you can blast-jump, without the annoyance of blast damage getting in your way, but it also means that you don’t have a primary weapon. Is it truly worth completely giving up your primary damage output for damageless mobility so situational it’s classified as a gimmick? I understand, anybody that wants to take Soldier seriously has to learn advanced rocket jumping, but your priority will always be DPS either way. So unless you’re the goofball who thinks it’s funny to make this your hot date for a day at the 6’s, you only use the Rocket Jumper as training wheels. Either that, or you’re just having some fun, and I’ll respect that. But why am I taking a weapon that nobody ACTUALLY takes seriously, seriously myself? Because, I don’t like it. The Rocket Jumper holds absolutely no value to me, and what it does offer is nothing I can’t do by other more effective means. You don’t always have to play the objective, but this time, color me tryhard. I’m Bryant Spears, and this review was in honor of my deceased Great Grandma Ruby, and congratulations for reading to the end. Here are some TF2 videos for your troubles. All images came from Tf2 wiki.

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