Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Game Review by Bryant Spears

  I’ve decided to put out a review to celebrate the new year. Today’s review is for something I’ve had my eyes on for a while now, but not just one, but two. Team Fortress 2 and Overwatch. Now most people call Overwatch the better TF2. I don’t agree, seeing as TF2 practically paved the road for Overwatch. Plus they have their differences. While TF2 has a set of 9 classes to pick from, Overwatch has up to 23 characters to play with as of now, and they’re planning on adding more. In both games, each character has their own unique background and personality, and no two are alike. I’ll cover TF2 now, and Overwatch in February. So let’s look at TF2’s rogues gallery of goofballs first. The first guy we’re looking at is Heavy.

Image result for heavy tf2

His main playstyle, if you couldn’t guess, revolves around using a minigun and bare knuckles to slaughter the enemy opposition. Plus he eats a sandvich if he is low on health.
Image result for heavy's sandvich ingredients
The only problem with playing as Heavy is he is the slowest class. Period. But what he lacks in speed he makes up for in raw offensive power and defensive tanking, not to mention that he has an HP stat of 300 health. Heavy is not only fun on the battlefield but off as well. Heavy hails from the Soviet Union, the land of backwards Russian stereotypes. His personality is just bursting with foreign charm--so much that everything that he says is entertaining. Heck, I need Chloraseptic just listening to this guy. I kind of see Heavy as that one standout weirdo in your elementary school class. I mean, he’s anything but ordinary --always getting everyone’s attention, and if he isn’t making you laugh, he’s probably eating lunch. Hmm, sounds like me in the 8th grade. Heavy’s myriad of miniguns include the Brass Beast, Tomislav, Huo Long Heater, and my personal minigun of choice, Natascha.
Next up is what many describe the best character in all of TF2. The Medic

Image result for medic tf2
Well, if it wasn’t obvious as to how he plays, Medic plays as the team healer, armed with what might just be the most unique and creative attire in the world of medicine. I’m looking at the gun he’s holding in the picture above. That...is the Medigun, a type of weapon that shoots a healing beam at teammates, healing them COMPLETELY of all their ailments. There are a ton of these, but I prefer the Quick-Fix more. Not to mention, Medic really benefits from his melee arsenal, except for the Vita-Saw. Plus his personality is just BEGGING to be examined. Doctor jokes aside, Medic hails from Germany. Stuttgart, Germany to be precise. But while this man looks the part of a normal respectable doctor, nothing could be further from the truth. While being an actual man of medicine, Medic cares NOT for the sick and dying. Ha Ha, love the irony. Plus, he’s a little bit, I don’t know, NUTS? Is that what they are wanting me to say? (*indistinct talking) Oh. Okay. Call him CASHEWS for all I give a care. Respect your doctors people, even if some of them do have a bit of the crazies.
You know what they say about America. Yeah!!! NO, the other one. YOU STINK! Yeah, that’s hitting the nail. With that out of the way, I now present to you our new secret weapon.Image result for soldier tf2
Ahh, yes the Soldier. God help us now. This class is probably the most easiest class for new players to master. Armed with a myriad of bazookas, ranging from the dud weapon that is the Rocket Jumper to the OP weapon that is the Airstrike, the Soldier --a sort a mixed bag for me, mostly because of his personality. You ever seen a chicken get cornered in its coop? Just chop the thing’s head off, and you’ll get the same thing as the American nutjob here. You don’t have to observe the Soldier for very long to find what he is all about: WAR & PATRIOTISM. Oh lovely. Plus, there is one thing other countries think of us Americans as on top of obesity: CRAZY AS HECK!! And they’d be kinda right, and Soldier kinda represents all that pent up insanity. Soldier here is depicted as everything wrong in an American local. He’s savagely arrogant, thinks every other nationality is inferior, and just comes across as mean. Same goes with his dialogue. That, and his melee arsenal is small. But he has one very unique ace no one can pull off but him: ROCKET JUMP! Look up rocket jumping on Google for more information.
Let’s play two little games. What do the following three things have in common? Toast, fries, and kissing. If you guessed that they’re all french, congrats. Next, what do James Bond, Austin Powers, and Agent 007 have in common? If you guessed that they are all spies, good job. Now you’re most likely wondering,”What does french and spies have to do with anything?” Simple, really. Gentlemen, and ladies, France’s own spy
Image result for spy tf2
(although the item in his hand looks like a cigarette, it’s a secret weapon that disguises him from enemies)
Yes, the spy. His weapons of mass destruction include a large array of knives, including my favorite, the Conniver’s Kunai, used for backstabbing enemies, an OP six shot revolver, a disguise kit, and cloaking. His playstyle is the hardest to master due the danger you put yourself into. Playing as the spy involves playing in a less Rambo-ish fashion. So running in all Rambo is about as smart as wearing a 25 ft scarf while working a wood chipper. Sneaking around using invisibly from the Invisi-watch and faking his own death with the Dead Ringer, making it easier to perform the devil’s work, and so many classes are good targets. Slow heavy’s and Demomen, bumbling soldiers, Medic’s healing their teammates, and Engie, oh poor fricking Engie. NO ONE is safe from the spy. The very moment you click on that 9th slot, you become everyone’s worst nightmare. Not so much as what you’re going to do, but because of what you CAN do. Now let’s look at his personality. The dude is a complete SNAKE. Now don’t get me wrong, I love snakes, but if that snake is wielding a revolver and has a knife hidden under his cufflinks, I’d rather play chicken with a Black Mamba. But underneath it all, he’s a prim and proper sophisticat enough to be called a ladies man. Go check out the Meet the spy video on Youtube to get what I’m talking about. Although he’s a spy, his profession steers more towards “SWINDLING DAGGER-HAPPY RAT,” but that is only when he is playing shank me with my spine.
Anyone here like a good mystery? Like a…(*sniffs the air)...is something burning? Wait...Oh god! HE’S NOT HERE IS HE?! RUN!Image result for pyro tf2
Okay with that bit of fear out of the way, let’s talk about the mystery centerpiece of TF2 and every pyromaniac’s prestigious idol, the Pyro. What I’m about to say is true, the Pyro, scares me. His menacing appearance, weapon of choice, and his baffling ambiguity is all just unsettling to me. Now while no one knows anything about the Pyro, what we do know is kind of hard to make anything out of. While he mumbles instead of speaking, and has no concrete personality, his gameplay is kind of amazing. Looking at his name might just give you a clue. Wielding a homemade flamethrower as his primary and a flare gun as his secondary, Pyro can be a hot shot on the field, literally. Besides his flamethrowers afterburn, it comes with a hot secondary feature. With just a click of the alt fire button, a powerful blast of compressed air will shoot out of the tip of the flamethrower, propelling enemies, knocking back anything that isn’t a regular bullet, and extinguishing burning players. Now a lot of people seem to think that Pyro is feckless to the team's efforts. To them I say..."Hudda hudda huh!" Interpret that how you will.  
OH goodess, now we’re into the good stuff. I’d like introduce Tavish Finnegan DeGroot, or as many now him, the Demoman.

Image result for demoman tf2
Scotland, bow before your king. Usually found making out with a bottle of scrumpy every day of the week, Demoman wins my vote for best character. Behold what is set before your very eyes. We have an Alcohol-drinking, bomb-chucking, caber-pelting, peg leg-wearing, sword-swiping, F...F...fricking FLYING, Black Scottish Cyclops. Was someone at Valve tanked one night, or is this just the most amazing design for a character I’ve ever seen. Not only that but most of what comes out of Demoman’s mouth sounds like what you’d hear at any local bar, only instead bare knuckles and broken beer bottles, it’s grenade launchers and eyelanders. I’ve never been to Ullapool, Scotland, but if this is their town drunk, people there must be fun. Considering that Demoman is always borderline tanked on the battlefield, you’d think it would make him hard to play as, but no. It only gets crazier from here. Plus Demoman’s the only character with an alternate playstyle. Yeah I’m talking about DemoKnight son. Good Lord, that’s some bloody variety. Demoman specialises in indirect fire, and for good reason. And now, I’ll spin ya a wire. (*Prep up the crosshairs, focus your good eye. Use bombs wisely lad, now watch the pieces fly!)
Well, next we mister NOPE himself, the Engineer.Engineer.png
Well now. Don’t that beat all. Engineer is probably my second favorite class to play as. Everywhere you look, there seems to be a hint of technology to be seen. Heck even his name! Dell Conagher. What’s his wife’s name, Toshiba? But looking at Engineer, you kinda expect some sort of crazy scientist personality, but no. He acts more like your average Joe, and that’s a breath of fresh air I never thought could be drawn in. When you normally think of an average Joe, you don’t usually picture anyone exceedingly fun. But he comes from good ol’ Bee Cave, Texas. Looking at his arsenal, the Engineer has a lever-action rifle, and a wrench used for making his utilities, and it seems each one represents each of the three classes. The Teleporters warp team members from Point A to Point B, representing offense, the Sentry guns represent a defensive aspect, and the Dispensers represent support. The fans of the internet may love him...A lot, but his teammates see him as a maker of toys, not attrition, and that he hides behind his creations too much. Not only that, but he seems oblivious to everything around him, almost to a blissful degree, but he can well be a jerk on his own. All that slander and more provided by Grant Goodeve. He’s the guy from Eight is Enough. David? Nobody saw that? Eh. The only problem with Engie is that spy’s act as his Achilles heel.
You know what kids nowadays lack the most of? Patience. But this next class is all about that lost virtue. I present to you, The Sniper.
Image result for sniper tf2
Well, to quote the Sniper on his job: “Sniping’s a good job, mate. It’s challenging work, outdoors. I guarantee you won’t go hungry, cause at the end of the day, as long as there are two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead,”and he’s right about it. Mr. Mundee here comes from the great Outback of Australia. Armed with a sniper rifle, (obviously), a machete if enemies get too close, and Jarate.
Image result for jarate NO, I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT IS. IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT.  On a side note, Spy is his rival for a reason, mostly because they are what I consider assassins for hire. His personality is kinda funny. You know how I said the Soldier is mean? The Sniper blows that out of the water. He’s so dang arrogant and condescending, but unlike the Soldier, it isn’t about your nationality. So I guess that’s an improvement. So if you choose to play the Sniper, to be professional, you need to have standards. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Ah, process of elimination. Funny thing ain’t it? The final class we have to talk about is probably the most annoying, both in gameplay and in personality. We’re talking about the Scout.Image result for scout tf2
What? What’s with the look? Don’t look at me like that. It’s creepy. But do you have any idea, any idea who this is? Yeah, I don’t know his name either, but we do know he comes from Boston, Massachusetts. The snarky scrapper, is the fastest class in the entire game, equipped with a modified shotgun, a baseball bat for that home run headshot, and a pistol. Most people find Scout to be an annoying species, and it’s not hard to see why. He is pretty much Sonic the Hedgehog on a caffeine overdose with a gun, but if you don’t get that mental description, let me put it another way. Imagine, there’s a bunny, and he’s in your yard. Now God thought it’d be funny to give that bunny a shotgun and 20lbs of carbonated sugar, and that bunny wants to hurt you. What do you say to that? I thought so. Still, personality wise, Scout has a bit of an arrogant one. But surprisingly, it’s not that offensive to me, mostly cause it sounds like every smart remark to ever come out of someone’s mouth. Also, any argument that Scout isn’t a good class can easily be debunked or just plain false. But you know what TF2 is most famous for? Hats. So is TF2 a good game? In my opinion, yes, but don’t just take my word for it. Go play it yourself to find out. It’s free on Steam. This is Bryant Spears signing out, and remember, old games can be just as good as their successors.

Before we start, let me just ask you something. What do you consider weird? Maybe a game that has odd controls or odd objectives. Well, we’ve got ourselves rare specimen. This is a game for SEGA’s last console, the Dreamcast in 1999. In essence, this game is like an earlier version of Tamagotchi, but there are two major differences. The first is size difference. Here is an image of a Tamagotchi:
                                       Image result for tamagotchi
Now here is an image of the Dreamcast:

Image result for dreamcast
Second difference is the game itself. The name of this game is…
Do I really have to say it?...Yes, I know that’s what the game is called, but I’m just afraid of what google auto-correct is going to do...or worse...The blog moderators…Ok fine I’ll do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you...I kid you not…Seaman. Ok, first off, yes that is the actual name, I am not making that up. But, aside for the the name, this game requires a Dreamcast microphone to function properly. Anyway, this game is something everyone will love… the narrator for this game is, get this…Leonard Nimoy, as in the guy who played Spock, and voiced G2 transformers Galvatron and Sentinel Prime in Dark of the Moon. May he rest in peace. Anyway, let’s get back to the game. What do you do in this? Well for starters, you are taking care of fish with human face.

Well It’s kinda weird, what with the weird visuals and the fact that Seaman is a bit...lewd in his behavior and speech, but what makes it strange is the fact that this is not a short game. The manual states it best: “This is not the type of game where one can sit in one place and expect vast amounts of change, like evolution, change occurs over time, and even then, slowly.” This is pretty much the game saying, “You’re play by my rules and schedule” I am Bryant Spears, and this has been Weird Wednesday’s review of Seaman, and it just goes to show you, if you creature is not evolving, use a stone...to beat its head in.

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