Monday, October 31, 2016

Teen Titans Go! (or go away)


You know what? I’m not going to review a game today. I think I’m just going to sit down in my recliner and turn on my t.v. (clicks the remote and Teen Titans Go! comes on.) *sigh. There is just no rest for me, is there? Hold on, one moment. (pulls out phone and calls up David). Bryant, what do you want, man. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. This had better be good. Look, I know you said never to call you in the morning, but there is a Teen Titans Go! Marathon on right now-*faint slapping sound*- and I was wondering if you wanted to help me tear apart each and every episode in a very gruesome display. *knuckles cracking. Will I need a chainsaw? No, but you will need a shovel to dig past the junk to see the treasure. I really doubt there is any treasure underneath all this garbage, but ok, let’s begin. Now as I’m sure everyone knows the original Teen Titans was a masterpiece of success that aired in 2003. It combined a dark atmosphere with adventure and comedy. It made it to 5 seasons before Cartoon Network made the stupid mistake of cancelling the show in January 16, 2006. A lot of people wept in grief because of this. So imagine everyone’s reaction when in 2013 we heard that they were bringing it back. When the first episode aired in April 23, many original fans were watching… and we were all disgusted by what we saw. The main character’s personalities were so warped that it was painful to see what had become of the original characters. They were so warped that only the negative characteristics shown through. It was extremely DISGRACEFUL. So in memory of the original series and for all the original fans out there, we are going to tear all the episodes apart, piece by piece. Ok, I think that is enough stalling. Let’s start with the first episode created, “Legendary Sandwich.” Ok so this episode starts with Raven watching a marathon of… “Pretty Pretty Pegasus.” Is that supposed to be joke about bronies? I don’t even know, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a one time thing… I hope. Anyway she is watching the marathon when she is interrupted by the male Titans… who are acting extremely obnoxious. Anyway, this annoys Raven, so she tells a story about a legendary sandwich that can be created. She sends them on a wild goose chase… or so we think. After they get the sandwich prepared, they begin to argue over who should get the first bite. Oh my god! Why don’t they just split it into four pieces. Let’s see what the episode has in mind. While they are arguing over the sandwich, Silkie, their mutant pet silk moth larva eats it… and then pukes it up. After this, the titans decide to go out for a pizza. Well that was extremely pointless.  Yep, completely and utterly pointless. If that wasn’t bad enough, Cartoon Network APPROVED this garbage! The next episode is called “Pie Bros,” and it’s a bit weird. The basic episode synopsis is that Beast Boy wants to buy an expensive video game for Cyborg, but unfortunately he doesn’t have the money, so he works at a pie shop to earn money. (Coughs RIPOFF!) In turn, this, somehow, drives a wedge between the two. Also the others find out that the owner uses humans in her pies. Mother Mae Eye? Yes. Who else would it be? Good point. This whole entire episode is just a cliche’: The Status Quo is God. Isn’t that when something happens in an episode, and by the end everything is reset back to the way it was? Yeah, that’s hitting the nail on the head. Now let’s talk about “Driver’s Ed.” The point of this episode is that Robin takes up driver’s ed when his license is suspended but FAILS to realize his instructor is a bank robber and is just using him as a getaway driver. This would be a good episode… if it weren’t for two problems. First, Robin made excuses for his friends to take him somewhere “important” and that ”there is no time”… when it wasn’t, and secondly, the ORIGINAL Robin wouldn’t be this freaking stupid to not realize he was being used. The next episode on the chopping block is “Dog Hand.” Ugh these titles are awful. The synopsis here is that Trigon is coming to the tower to visit Raven seeking to lure her to the dark side. No, I’m not making a Star Wars pun here. Anyway, he makes the other titans wishes come true, which includes Robin looking like a photoshopped steroid user, Beast Boy being able to morph into inanimate objects, Starfire talking like a stereotypical earth teen, and Cyborg having a dog’s head for a hand. Wait... so the episode is named for a pointless scene? Uhh...yes. (don't lose it...) I’ll be right back. *coarse language outside.* Dude…eat a Snickers. *eats snickers* Better? No. Just calm down, okay? Fine. Next episode is called “Double Trouble.” The episode in general is about cloning, and also a disgusting image of obese versions of Cyborg and Beast Boy. Next. Ahh “The Date,” this episode is one I personally hate with a burning passion. What is it about? (*Inhales deeply) It’s about Robin trying to ask Starfire out on a date, but when he does FINALLY ask, it turns out that she already has been asked by SPEEDY! But if you think this episode can’t get any worse, then you’re WRONG!!! Instead of waiting until the next day to ask her, Robin decides the best thing to do is KIDNAP Speedy, tie him up, dress up like him, then go in his place to ruin the date. This sounds like a crappy revenge story. Believe me, it is, but it gets better. Speedy frees himself, dresses up like Robin, then goes to ruin the sabotage..I mean date for Robin. Then it ends with Starfire punching Robin in the face and going on a date with the episode’s narrator. This sounds more random than the stuff you show me on a daily basis. You review the next episode while I go break some windows to let my anger cool. Ok, just don’t take too long. Ok the next episode is called “Dude Relax.” (*glass breaking) Its basic plot is that Robin’s high-strung nature begins to affect the rest of the team.(*glass breaking) So they try to teach him how to relax, but this ultimately backfires,  (*more glass breaking) so they equip a shock collar to his neck that electrocutes him (*even more glass breaking) every time he goes in the elevator or near the windows, thus forcing him to sit on the couch for a while. Then this episode goes from barebones to completely stupid. (*Glass shatters upstairs) Beast Boy tells Robin he knows the secret to relaxation, and sinks into the couch completely, and Robin follows him and meets the...Spirit of the Couch? Then “IT” tells Robin why he can’t relax, which, for the record, is because the circus animals picked on him. (*Glass shatters again) Meanwhile, the other members are calling Robin for backup, but he responds by throwing the communicator out the window. Serves them right. Alright, I’m back, what’s next? “Laundry Day.” Let’s do this. This episode is what I like to call a “Rewind and Repeat.” Huh? It basically means by the end of the episode, the characters end up in the same or very similar situation and will most likely repeat the plot in a loop afterwards. Oh, I see. Now it’s “Ghostboy,” or as I like to call it,”Pointless Filler, Stupid Ending.” To be continued….?

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